I fear I’ve got the worst personality traits of my mum

Im Spanish and living in the UK, so I don’t see my family very often. This week my parents are visiting and my mum gets on my nerves (and my brothers) and what’s worse I think I’m becoming her as we share some personality traits that I really don’t like it:

– Her first answer to everything is “no”. She disagrees by default.
– She always has a rounded and simplistic view of complex issues.
– She points at the negative without realizing it comes across as criticism. “You’ve put on weight” “your skin looks bad”
– Asks for help on very simple tasks like charging her phone that she can totally do.
– She’s extremely self centred and victimised (ie when my 2 year old says she doesn’t want to play with her, she goes “your daughter doesn’t want to anything to do with me”.

As I said I display some of these behaviours more and more and I’m paralysed and very sad thinking “I’m becoming her”, in particular because I don’t want my daughter to pick up those habits that get in the way of being happy and because it affects the relationship with myself and my partner and even her.

I don’t even know where to start to unpick this. She’s so irritating and I snap at her I’m not the only one that feels that way in the family despite the fact that she’s a very loving mother.

Answer:

Thanks for writing in about this. You’re not the only one who has had an experience like this with their mother! Let’s fill out the model with the T, “I’m becoming her.”

C: Mother

T: I’m becoming her

F: Paralyzed

A: Worry that my daughter will pick up our habits, worry that my daughter’s relationships with her, with me, and with my parter will suffer, find all the ways that my mom is doing things wrong, don’t look at the ways in which becoming her is wonderful, don’t acknowledge the things she does that are loving

R: I become her because of my thoughts about myself

First and foremost: how can you create some space to give yourself compassion and love while you are experiencing this? The fact that this is a thought that you have about your mother (and we know that we choose our thoughts) doesn’t mean that your experience is any less valid or stressful, or less deserving of love. In fact, it can be quite painful to realize that you may share qualities and traits with someone who you think is irritating and is an important part of your life.

Next, I want you to ask yourself, “In what ways that true? In what ways is that not true?” about the thought, ‘I’m becoming her.’ (Be sure to give equal airtime to the ways in which it might be positive too).

Lastly, I want you to answer these questions: What would radically accepting my mom for who she is and what she does do for me? What thoughts would I be thinking about her and myself? How would I feel? An important reminder here is that radical acceptance does not mean that you have to feel happy about and fully supportive of what she says and does…acceptance rarely lands us in La-La-Unicorns-and-Rainbows Land right away. You’re allowed to feel sad. You’re allowed to feel let down. You’re allowed to feel grief. And you can have these feelings without making it mean that she needs to change in order for you to feel differently. What do you think? Come back when you’re ready for more coaching on this.