I miss my period, but I do not want to endure another pregnancy

Hello coaches,

Here we go…

I feel very stuck, in that I have constrained my desire to have a healthy relationship with my cycle by implementing the use of hormonal birth control methods that I truly do not want. I would like to give some background info on my history with these contraceptives and what using them has brought up for me:

I had been on the pill for 7 years from the point I was 14 (my mom said I should go on the pill when I would have severe stomach cramps coupled with nausea and light-headedness that took me from school each month, during my period) until I was 21, when I decided that it was more important to me that I have a connection with and genuine understanding of my body. I had been sad for all of my teen-hood apparently; a veil of doom and unrelenting self-disgust was lifted, and for the first time since I was a child, I had a burning desire to live my life, to want for things and try hard for them. At this time, I became very interested in learning about my cycle but in hindsight, I would say I lacked the ability to decipher the information I found, and was not consistent about adopting a lifestyle that supported my interest. I did, however, have my first period after 9 months without, after going off the pill, and then would begin tracking, mostly, or almost exclusively, based off of the number of days I experienced from day one to the end of menstruation, without other data points. They were sporadic (between 28-36 days, sometimes more or less, there was no pattern I could make of it). My only driving motivation became to track so that I could avoid pregnancy; my boyfriend and I both enjoyed when he would finish inside of me, so I thought that ensuring we had sex of this nature ONLY when I knew 100% that there was no chance of ovulation happening, was the safest bet. When there would be a chance, I usually could manage abstaining because we had a long distance relationship, or time apart but sometimes, we risked it, having sex at all, and having him pull out instead. We were lucky to find success in this for 3 whole years. Last year changed everything.

I was met with a pregnancy that I was not prepared to have. My boyfriend and I were in a chaotic or troublesome point in our relationship. It was very toxic, involving a lot of drug use, and damage that we were both causing to the emotional well-being of one another. It is hard to recall the things I felt during the period of time that I was pregnant, a lot of it is tied up in sadness. None the less, I am very thankful that the situation played out the way it did; my partner was very supportive and warm to me, despite the state of our relationship at the time (we have since separated). We both decided we could not keep the baby so I aborted the pregnancy. I was urged by the staff at the clinic where I had the procedure done to go on a form of hormonal birth control. I chose the IUD. I think, at the time, I still very much did not want to be on hormonal birth control, but… well… I felt as though the loss of a child that I was grieving was due to my negligence. The thoughts I had about myself and my situation were not loving. I was very mad at myself. I felt irresponsible in the worst way. My period stopped after one month of having the IUD in. I hated the IUD. It was uncomfortable, pains were regular, never-mind when I would have sex, when they would be so severe, I thought I might need to go to the hospital for internal damage. I had it taken out three months ago, and I told my GP that I didn’t want any hormonal birth control to replace it. She urged that I reconsider. I caved. I got the NuvaRing, which is truly much better than the IUD. No pain, easy to remember to change, no complications during sex. I have a high sex drive, and I still have sex with my ex-boyfriend despite our relationship having ended, as well as sex with people that neither I or they have an intention of starting a relationship with. My sense of security and trust in my choices definitely feel at odds with my needs/wants/desires.

And I haven’t had a period in over a year.

I want my period back, but I am worried at the idea of becoming pregnant again, and utterly terrified of ever having another abortion.

My question is where I can start in unpacking this, really. If I get rid of hormonal birth control again, does it mean I can’t have fiery, amazing sex? For how long? What if it is another 9 months to a year of waiting for my period to come back? What can I do now, despite not having a period?

Any perspective or strategies you might be able to offer me in navigating this, I would so appreciate.

Thank you. xxx

Answer:

What I hear you saying in this post is that you want to feel secure and trust yourself and your choices about hormonal birth control (or lack thereof) while meeting your sexual needs and desires. You fear experiencing another pregnancy, but more acutely, another abortion. These are all valid wants, needs and fears.

I am noticing some black and white thinking in your submission…

About birth control…

• Hormonal birth control: bad.

• Naturally Cycling: good.

About yourself…

• I had an abortion: I’m irresponsible.

• If I hadn’t had an abortion: I was responsible.

And about having sex without birth control while waiting for your period to return…

• No hormonal birth control: no amazing, fiery sex

• Hormonal birth control: amazing fiery sex, here I come

I want you to take a moment to question whether these are absolutely true. When we stay in an either-or mindset, it can set off alarm bells and make us feel very limited in what is available or possible for us. When we take a moment to question whether those either-or thoughts are true, we have created an opportunity for expansion, and looking at our situations from a different perspective. Try this…think about coming off of your hormonal birth control and your sex life, and write out a list of thoughts that start with “It’s possible that…” Notice what thoughts and feelings come up for you during this exercise and come back to us with what you discover in a follow up post titled, “Cycle and Pregnancy fears pt. 2”.