Identity Shift (includes baby loss)

Listening to the podcast episode this morning about a sense of completion (and in the end of summer review) I had something come up that I’d like some coaching on. When I think about what feels complete for me, it’s the time I’ve spent with a focus on conception, pregnancy, breastfeeding etc. – and my identity as someone in this phase of life. This has been a big part of my identity for the last 8 years or so, and I have a really positive and powerful sense of being able to leave it behind now and move on with the next phase of my life – there is much that I am looking forward to in this and feel great about. What often comes up for me though with any change or sense of moving on, is a concern / fear / question about leaving my daughter Anna behind (she was stillborn just over 2 and a half years ago). When I acknowledge and respond to this, I know that I won’t ever leave her behind and that she’s always with me. And I can see all the ways that she is acknowledged and loved as part of our family, and how I stay connected to her. I wonder whether I can see this coming up as a reminder to take the time to connect to her in the ways that I like to, but when I see it that way – and am essentially thinking that I need to be reminded, that brings up feelings of guilt. Trying to put that in an unintentional model:
C: My thought ‘What about Anna?’ (I realise this is a question but not sure how to change it – this is what runs in my brain)
T: This is a reminder to connect
F: Guilt
A: Feel pressure to connect in practical ways – thinking that I should; not follow my instinct; think about what I could and should have done differently in the past
R: I find evidence of me being disconnected from her

I’d like some coaching on where to go with this.

 

 

Answer:

As your grief evolves and time moves on, a thought I would offer is that this is exactly how it’s supposed to be. If sweet Anna was here she’d be in her independent 2 year old state and you wouldn’t be interacting the same as you would with a small baby that needs you for everything. You’d still be just as connected but your relationship would evolve. Even though she’s not physically here, the same thing happens and that’s ok.

Your connection to Anna is the same as any relationship. It’s simply your thoughts about her. As you go through this transition time where you are leaving conception, pregnancy, breastfeeding etc behind, of course you’re thinking about her a bit extra. It’s ok to wonder. It’s ok to be figuring out what your relationship will look like now.

What do you want to think and feel when you notice yourself thinking “What about Anna?” What do you want to think about you as a parent to a baby you don’t get to hold?  Gently explore this and see what comes up. Bring any more questions and models back for more coaching. Please join us live or on the replay for the Finding Peace after Babyloss call.