improving my sleep pt. I

I have had insomnia for about 6 years.
My goal is to improve my sleep – more specifically to sleep 8 hours most nights.
I would love some coaching on this.

Here are my UM’s:

C: I want to sleep 8 hours most nights.

T: this is impossible.
F: Hopeless.
S: low energy, I feel small, immobile
A: don’t take action to improve my sleep. Buffer, go to bed late, ruminate about the consequences of little sleep, tell myself that I have tried to make changes but it didn’t work.
R: I hold myself back on improving my sleep

T: this is impossible.
F: sadness
A: cry, don’t take action on improving my sleep. Buffer.
R: I don’t meet my goal.

T: don’t be ridiculous, You are fine the way it is.
F: judged.
S: tight throat, I feel small
A: tell myself that this goal is not worth it and that I have more important things to work on.
Tell myself that despite the little sleep I am fine and I am coping quite well.
R: I self sabotage and manipulate myself.

T: what are you even setting this goal for?!
F: anger
S: tight throat, tension
A: tell myself that this goal is not worth it and that I have more important things to work on.
Tell myself I am behind and point out things that are MORE important to work on.
R: I make myself wrong, I self sabotage.

C: I should have worked on my sleeplessness so much earlier.
F: regret
S: sinking feeling in my stomach, tension, cold
A: make myself wrong for not taking action to improving my sleep. I tell myself that it’s too late.
don’t take action to improve my sleep. Buffer, go to bed late, ruminate about the consequences of little sleep.
R: I make myself wrong, I don’t improve my sleep

C: I should have worked on my sleeplessness so much earlier.
F: anger
S: tension, heat.
A: I blame myself for not taking action. Make myself wrong and talk to myself poorly.
R: I blame and shame myself (also don’t take any action to improve my sleep)

T: I have no control over my sleep./I can’t fix this.
F: helpless
S: i feel small, immobile, teary
A: ruminate about how I have tried to make changes in the past buy it didn’t work. Don’t make any changes.
R: I stay stuck.

T: Its too late to make any changes.
F: regret
S: sinking feeling in my stomach, tension, cold
A: Tell myself my body already got used to the amount that I sleep, even when it’s less than I actually need. Don’t make any changes.
R: I don’t make any changes.

I never meant for this to get this bad (I thought the insmonia would sort itself out eventually by itself)
F: shame
S: tension
A: I tell myself I should have taken care of this much earlier and ask for help. Tell myself that I am a failure and that I don’t know how to look after myself. Don’t take action on improving my sleep.
R: ?

T: I am not safe.
F: scared
S: tension, tight throat.
A: resistance to taking action to improving my sleep. Ruminate. Think about the consequences of little sleep.
R: I feel unsafe?

Do you have any feedback on the unintentional models?
What stands out to me is the last one – I am not safe. It seems to have a different quality to it than the other thoughts. It’s like maybe I don’t even want to sleep more, because it feels unsafe?
To work on the safety aspect could be a way forward.
Another thing I notice is that the goal setting in itself already seems flawed. I think I have mentioned “most nights” because it seems to somehow insane and out of reach so be able to be sleeping 8 hours EVERY night?

Thanks for your coaching and help on this.

 

 

Answer:

Lovely exploration here. Everything can just feel harder when we’re tired so give yourself so much love as you go on this sleep journey.

The helpless feeling can really come from tying your success to the amount of sleep you get.  I love that you have the 8 hour goal. That’s great. But you might not be able to control that. What if you try shifting to things you know are in your power?  For example..if someone wanted to lose 10 lbs, and every day that they got on the scale and didn’t see a change they felt awful. They probably want to quit or do things that don’t help them. Their self talk is focused on failure.

If the same person makes a goal to walk 1 mile/day, to add in one vegetable, or to practice loving their body for 1 minute per day…that they can do. How do you think they would feel in their life this way vs the other? What would they do on days they miss a vegetable?

After 6 years of “failing” at sleeping and probably feeling terrible about it, why does it make perfect sense to be scared? What are you really scared of?