Inadequacy and rage.

It’s day one of my cycle and I’ve woken up full of rage. It doesn’t feel like a thought is driving the anger, it’s just THERE, in my chest, massive and the colour of a bruise, throbbing. No reason why. Every month I need to take days just to regulate myself and then feel guilty for not being available for my children. I often feel consumed with emotion (sadness/rage) without there being a cause. It’s almost as if I feel these emotions and assign them meaning in hindsight just to make sense of them. I try to sit in these emotions, but they feel so huge, as though they are in control and I am just a slave to my hormones. I’m angry that I just have to accept that some days I’m going to cry continually and some days I won’t even be able to look at another human being without snapping – and then feeling guilty.

Recently, I have been putting a LOT of energy into making myself believe that I am enough and that my worth is set. I am a writer. I have an agent and a few years ago we went on submission to publishers to try and sell my (2nd) novel. There was interest but ultimately it didn’t work out. I have spent the last two years writing a new novel, one that I am really proud of. I have had three very big publishers love it and take it to acquisition meetings but in each case it fell at the last. Being so close to my dream, which I have been working toward for ten years, and not quite making it – again – is heart-breaking. All my time is going into putting off this feeling of inadequacy and failure. I feel invisible and so reliant on others to achieve my goals – I’ve put in the work, getting up at 5am to draft and edit – but now I have zero control. My agent seems to think there is still hope with other publishers but all I can feel is dread that we’ll end up in the same place as book one, and I will feel like a failure – again. The universal advice is to keep writing, but for me, this is a two year process as I have children and I work. Plus, I’m finding it so hard to put aside thoughts of ‘what’s the point? It’ll just end up unpublished.’ I’m trying really hard with thought work to believe I am enough, but at times I just don’t believe it. I’m so ready to make this my career, and after ten years of trying I can’t help the feelings of desperation and impatience. I am ready for the results, and feel I deserve them. There’s a lot of self loathing here too as I bitterness is a trait I really don’t like in others – I like to take responsibility. I suppose my question is how do I really believe I am enough?

 

 

Answer:

Such a great question…how do you know that someone else is enough? Create a list of qualities that a person who is enough has. Can you identify any qualities in that list that you have as well? What determines enoughness is your mind. You could have all the things and opportunities and success in the world and still question your worth. When you decide that you matter and that your worth is set even if the bar is low (we love the baseline minimum around here!), and even when you’ve been rejected, that’s how you start to believe that you’re enough.
Lastly, about the rage and sadness that you feel on day 1 of your cycle, I’d love to offer that nothing has gone wrong here. It doesn’t feel good, no, but it doesn’t mean that you’re defective for having this experience. Sometimes, taking care of ourselves first is the best way that we can take care of our children. Is it possible that taking time to regulate yourself and being unavailable to your children for a few days might be you caring for your relationship with your kiddos? Why or why not?
Come back to us for more coaching on either one of these subjects when you’re ready.