Inner Monologue

Dear Coach,

I’m currently going through a break up from a man that I love dearly. While I’m of course heart-broken and there is much to coach on around the break-up itself, I would like to ask for some coaching today on how I treat myself in the aftermath of this event.
Since I joined TFC I’ve simply become so much more aware how I talk to myself and what feelings it creates. I was and still am shocked about my inner monologue and have unravelled a lot of judgement towards me as well as others. I’m on the journey of working with this now.

Where I am at the moment:
My partner and I had only been together for a year, but we lived together for the past 6 months. Of course, this confronted us both with the delights and challenges of sharing a household. My partner went and still is going through tough moments over the past years (pregnancy termination in his previous relationship, difficult termination of the previous relationship, mother terminally ill on the other side of the globe, etc). His way of dealing with it appears to be distraction: working, socialising, going out partying, which is fair enough.

When he got back from several weeks in Europe to be with his mum in September, he must have experienced a shift. I tried to communicate, but he was distant and disengaged. While a month ago he reassured me he was still 100% committed to our relationship, he continued to withdraw more and more until a week ago we sat down together and he requested space. Rather than searching for an option to resolve the issue within our relationship, he didn’t want to or couldn’t tell me what was going on in his head and just wanted to end everything.
I was glad he finally recognised his need for space, but was very disappointed that he never even talked to me about his worries and just took a permanent decision by himself like that. I respect that, I even need some space myself as his behaviour in the last few months triggered a lot of anxiety in me. At the same time, as there is such a discrepancy between his behaviour and what he says, I just can’t help but THINK that he is running away from me, although he keeps telling me how much he adores me and how much he would have loved this to work out, but he finds himself pulling out although he didn’t want to. This THOUGHT causes me to feel inadequate, small, like a burden, as if I’m suffocating him and an anxious dysregulated nervous system.
The ACTIONs that follow are I’m looking for more reassurance, making him withdraw even more, feeling awful about myself, etc.
I’m working on believing him when he says that at no point was I annoying him or doing anything wrong, but something in me keeps telling me that he has a reason for his behaviour which he doesn’t tell me to not hurt me.

What I find so interesting in all of this is, that I default back to this seemingly very deeply rooted pattern of: “If he is leaving, it must be about me.” I don’t have any proof of that and objectively speaking, it’s much more likely that HE is struggling to express himself and to breathe, through no fault of my own.

What I would like to explore more:
Where does this internalised pattern of I’m a burden to people, I have to be a certain way to be liked come from? And what kind of thoughts would help me to feel more centred and sure of myself? How could I work with this so that in a similar situation in my life the next time, I don’t default back to “it’s my fault”, “I’ve done something wrong”, “stay small and quiet”.

I’m also wondering where else this pattern shows up as self sabotage (I can definitely see it in my work).

I know how it feels to be on the other side of this. I can be sure and proud of myself, loving and trusting myself, but it always seems to catch up with me.

This time, I was probably in the worst position to treat myself kindly during the break up feeling dysregulated all the time (anxious) in the weeks leading up to it and being premenstrual.

Thanks for your input!

Answer:

We may never ever know why people choose to make the decisions they do in their lives, even though we think it might give us some clarity – we are all living in our own models. The reason he made the decision take space and break up is because of his own thoughts about his situation. That’s the simple answer. The great news is that you’re living in your own model too, and this is something that you can 100% take responsibility for.
What if you considered your thoughts – “It’s my fault,” “I’ve done something wrong”, “I’m a burden,” and “He is running away from me,” – the shitty first drafts of your narrative? Let’s take this idea a step further. You know what you want the final version to be, and you know where you are now. What are some small revisions and edits you could make right now that will get you one draft closer to your ideal narrative? You’re allowed to have as many drafts as you need. There’s no wrong way to move forward.

Remember to have compassion for yourself now. Life is 50/50. We won’t always feel like sunshine and roses, and that’s okay. It means you’re human. Check out Maisie’s recent podcast episode (#94) on Emotions and the coaching call replay on the same subject. Come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching with a part 2.