I am trying to love myself during my autumn. Thinking about it I find that what I struggle the most with is that my kids don’t deserve to risk being yelled at 14 out of 24 days of their lives. And that feels like a thought that I can’t accept as anything but a truth and then I can’t love myself when I’m in my autumn.
Any thoughts on how to move forward would be appreciated.
Answer:
What if you did not have to try to love yourself? What if you just did?
This may seem difficult right now, but let’s take a look at some things.
First, how amazing that you recognize this pattern. That is the first step. When you do yell, and you do not feel good about it, show yourself some compassion. It may sound like “I am human. Sometimes I yell, and that is ok. I am working on being a person who does not yell.”
Second, many times, yelling is a reaction to our feelings. It comes from a way to feel better and avoid the discomfort of what we are feeling. That initial outburst is like a release. Once it is released, then we feel poorly from how we acted.
The first thing you could try is to make time to process what you are feeling as you go into autumn. Name what you are feeling, and see what thought is creating it.
Here is an example,
If during your autumn, you find that you often yell if you have to ask your children to do something more than one time. Take a moment to name the feeling that comes up. In this example, it may be frustration. Then ask yourself what is causing the frustration? An answer may sound like:
* “I should not have to ask more than once.”
* “They never listen to me.”
* “This is disrespectful.”
* “It takes more of my time to have to ask more than once and keep after them.”
Decide which of these creates the most of that feeling. Then take a moment to see how that feels in your body. Where is it? What does it feel like? Is it static or moving? Is it hot or cold?
As you become familiar with that feeling, then you will be able to identify it sooner. Instead of trying to push it away, you will be able to name it, identify the thought causing it, and breathe into it.
The other part of this is to show yourself some compassion. Based on our example, you may think “Of course, I am feeling frustrated. I think the children are being disrespectful.” Identify the feeling in your body and breathe into it. Then you may feel more ready to respond.
How do you think you would want to respond then?
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