Jealousy

I am usually not envious of others, however I am so reactive and triggered by my husband’s, brother’s fiance. When we spend time all together with his parents I have a very positive and strong connection with her, yet I experience such deep feelings of jealousy and it is a side of me that I really dislike. She is a few years younger than me and I find myself thinking about how I wish I was more like her and how his family prefer her (she has been part of their family for twice as long as me – 5 years more and she has a poor relationship with her own parents so is closer to them than her own, whereas I have a very close relationship with mine). Recently my brother in law (who I have a challenging relationship with) proposed to her and they got engaged and rather than feeling delighted I felt jealous, despite being happily married myself. I don’t want any resentment to poison our relationship so I want to address this. Would an intentional model help? How would I start one? Thank you xx

Answer:

I love that you’re aware of the jealousy and that you don’t want resentment to poison your relationship. That’s step one of this process. You can absolutely create an intentional model, but do this with the knowledge that an intentional model alone will not necessarily dissolve the jealousy and envy you feel towards her (although that could be the best case scenario!).

Right now, your unintentional model looks like this:

C: Brother-in-law’s fiancé

T: My husband’s family prefer her [over me]

F: Jealous

A: What do you do when you feel jealous because you think your in-laws prefer her? What don’t you do?

R: I act in a way that I don’t prefer
When you don’t know where to start your intentional model, I recommend starting with your F line.
C: Brother-in-law’s fiancé
F: How would you like to feel when you think about your future sister-in-law?
T: What would you need to think to feel that way?
A: What would you do from that emotional place? What wouldn’t you do?
R: What result would you create for yourself?

 

The one caveat with creating the intentional model is this: If you find it difficult to live into this model fully or you feel like you’re just pushing jealousy to the side or under the rug, it’s likely because you need to spend time processing the unintentional model and coming to a place of nonjudgmental acceptance of yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings as you and they are. ”
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