I have really struggled to write these notes and model them out. I can’t visualise what kinder bridging models could be – can you help me with some suggestions?
Notes
Lots of ‘ick’ thoughts about my time with him D
How I showed up (or didn’t)
What I accepted what I didn’t like or want
Lots of shame and anger
Very difficult to write about
Didn’t challenge him at the time, partly because he didn’t listen on the few occasions I said he was too rough, or it hurt, and carried on regardless
Didn’t feel I deserved better
Was still so hurt and lonely and unable to process the loss of my previous relationship with B
Desperately wanted another boyfriend to numb the pain and loss and move on
Feel like I was complicit in my own sexual abuse but not ending things sooner, challenging his behaviour, all of the things a strong and capable woman ‘should’ do.
I should have spoken about how I felt to others.
I didn’t want to make a scene, didn’t want other people at dance to know, didn’t want to be that woman that men are afraid to be close to. Quite a bit of my identity tied up with that – being a pleasure to dance with, a woman men wanted to dance with….
Models
C: I was in a relationship with D for 6 months. He forced me to have sex three times when I said no.
T: I was complicit in my own sexual abuse but not ending things sooner, challenging his behaviour, all of the things a strong and capable woman ‘should’ do.
F: Shame
A: Think about this when triggered by the news or TV shows; criticise myself for being weak and lonely; “should” all over my life and decisions around this; sit in the shame, don’t accept the past.
R: I don’t move forward.
C: As above
T: I was never really attracted to him but I was lonely and thought he was the best I could get.
F: Shame
A: Think about this when triggered by the news or TV shows; criticise myself for being weak and lonely; “should” all over my life and decisions around this; sit in the shame, don’t accept the past.
R: I don’t move forward.
C: As above
T: I should have been stronger and challenged him more at the time but he didn’t listen on the few occasions I said he was too rough, or it hurt, and carried on regardless.
F: Anger
A: Sit in the anger, tell myself what I should have done differently; think unkind thoughts about myself.
R: Don’t move forward.
C: As above
T: I could never tell J about this, he knew him, he wouldn’t understand why I did nothing
F: Loss (of opportunity for connection)
A: “Should” all over my life and decisions around this; think about all the missed opportunities.
R: I don’t move forward.
Answer:
First of all, if you (or anyone reading this) has experienced sexual assault, seeking out professional support from a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor is ALWAYS the first and most important step. Have you been in touch with a medical professional? Have you been in touch with the police or victim’s services?
Citizens Advice are a free legal resource in the UK, but for support we would recommend Victim Support as they have a free and confidential service.
We are so sorry you have experienced this. Thank you for bringing your thoughts here so we can all support you. Something happened to you. You did not choose it even if you stayed. It’s normal for the brain to want to blame ourselves because it feels like maybe if it’s our fault we have some sort of control. We are also an easy target. We do not need to believe everything we think.
Imagine your best friend or a sweet young teenager came to you and shared their story of a six month relationship they entered into because they were lonely and didn’t feel enough. They explain through tears how their partner abused them three times and didn’t listen to them. They confess they feel it’s their fault and lay out all their “should haves”. What would you say to them? Write a letter to them. Those are your kinder bridging thoughts. I would also offer T: Even when I can’t see it, I’m always moving forward. How does that feel?
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