Hi! One of my goals for the summer, is to change my relationship with my sexuality. I’m bi / queer, and feel more comfortable dating men than women. And I’ve noticed that I still have some feelings of shame and fear around dating women.
Previously, I’ve been thinking about what my rocks could be for this – eg:
– Going on more dates with women specifically, and prioritising this over dates with men for the next few months / perhaps including changing my app settings to women only etc.
– Doing thoughtwork models after the dates, to uncover where the negatives feelings are cropping up, and the thoughts behind them / and practising re-wiring them into something that feels more positive, joyful, proud, fearless, and powerful.
– Seeking out positive representations of queer women in popular culture to help re-wire my thinking around what these relationships look like. Eg tv shows, books, news etc.
– Leaning into the LGBTQ+ support networks and friendships that I have, to talk through the process as I’m going through it / get any advice / feel less alone and that sense of community and validation etc.
– Practicing flirting with women, on dates, and at queer events / and managing my mind around the possibility of rejection / owning my feelings.
I had a date with a girl recently, which was fun – and I was exploring the thoughtwork model after. And I do notice again that what happens is that when I enjoy something like this, what follows is a feeling of shame / fear / dread. Which in the past has put me off dating more women. But I would like to change this into something that feels more powerful.
So I’m exploring ways to change my thoughtwork models around dating women:
OLD MODEL:
C = Go on date with women, have fun / feel attracted to her / enjoy the sex etc.
T =
– Oh no… (kind of disappointed that I enjoyed it?!)
– What if I am a lesbian? What if I am happier with women? What if I like this more than with men? What if I end up with a woman?
– I am a failure / I don’t want that life / it will be harder etc
– Maybe subconsciously – this feeling will lead to harm for myself + loss of connection to others + pain [due to early experiences of rejection, and family estrangement around my coming out] / it isn’t safe etc.
F =
Fear / shame / disappointment / dread / embarrassment
A =
Avoid dating women / struggle to own my feelings with women
Date more men bc it feels easier
R =
Still have this negative relationship with this part of me.
It has impacted the relationships I’ve had with men, too – bc I still felt it was unresolved, and I didn’t trust my feelings for them.
Ultimately haven’t been at a point where a relationship felt right long-term, bc my relationship with this part of me has been so conflicted.
Am not happy!
POTENTIAL NEW MODEL:
C = Go on date with women, have fun / feel attracted to her / enjoy the sex etc.
T =
– I had such a fun time, I’m glad I went + met her
– It’s exciting to meet a person that I get on with + am attracted to – whatever their gender
– I’m so lucky to be able to experience + access this kind of pleasure and enjoyment, whatever form it takes – let’s chase more of this!
– I’m so proud of who I am and for all of the ways that my queer identity has shaped me – in terms of the resilience and strength its built in me / the amazing community that it’s led me to be a part of / the way it’s made me be true to myself in so many areas of my life = And I wouldn’t change it, even if I could!
– I’m so lucky that there are so many possibilities out there for me, with women and men, and I’m excited to explore that – it feels abundant!
– So what if I end up with a woman. It’s not a big deal. What is most important is that I’m happy, wherever that comes from.
– What is there to be scared of when I know I can handle ANYTHING? And that includes whether I end up with a man or woman / or however I choose to define my identity / or even any potential challenges or obstacles that might come from being in a same-sex relationship (from society, or family).
– It is safe to be queer today / and a lot has changed since I first came out, when it didn’t feel so safe = I am safe to be my full self now.
– I love myself unconditionally – and that includes this part of me too!
– I also love some specific parts of dating women. EG: how much more easily your pleasure is respected and valued, compared to some experiences with men. And I love that I feel safer with them. And often we have more in common. And there is more emotional intelligence + connection.
– I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am safe to be my full self.
– I do not need validation from men / the male gaze, to love myself, or feel desirable, or worthy, or enough.
– I deserve to be happy and live authentically and have fun and be in the right relationship for me.
F = Pride / Pleasure + enjoyment / Gratitude / Fearlessness / Shame-less / Loving towards myself / trust / abundance / freedom
A = Continue to date more women / and keep managing my mind around it, using this model – which I develop, and maybe also think in the moment too.
R = I change the relationship that I have with my sexuality into something that feels positive + loving. And ultimately also make it inevitable that I am ready for a new relationship with someone, whether they’re a woman, or a man. And in general that I am more happy and loving towards myself.
If you have any thoughts about the model or rocks, that would be greatly appreciated!
Many thanks.
Answer:
Lots of great reflection, exploration and self coaching here, well done. You will get more clarity in your models if you put one thought per model and follow it through. For any circumstance, we will have many thoughts and feelings. Separating them makes it easier to see what is happening in your brain.
Whenever you have a question in your thought line, answer it. You have the questions:
What if I am a lesbian? What if I am happier with women? What if I like this more than with men? What if I end up with a woman?
Let yourself answer this. Your unconscious brain is already doing it and that’s why you notice your hesitation. Bring what you’re afraid of out of the dark and into the light so you can really give it the love and attention it needs. Don’t judge or edit, just answer the questions.
See what comes up and bring back any questions or models that you’d like more coaching on.
