Life Goals & Healing Work

Hi coaches,

I’m writing in today specifically about being with some grief that has been coming up for me and feeling outside of normal life and my goals.

I started doing some trauma therapy with psilocybin (it’s legal here in canada for therapeutic use). It’s brought up a lot. I’m very open and aware of my trauma and the past. I’m working with my two therapists and I am stable. But I’m having a bit of a hard time getting back to “regular” life.

I haven’t been engaging with goals or work projects. I haven’t been doing future planning.

But I have been doing a lot of very valuable work. Restructuring a lot of things, my perception of myself, I am becoming very aware of different thought patterns, I have been making some changes in regards to how I see myself, and how I treat myself and I am very happy about it.

Lately, I wake up and do some skin care, then I make a tea and breakfast and read. I read for about 2-3 hours then I take a nap. After my nap I read some more and then I’ll do some yoga and go for a nice long walk in the wetlands.

I like how soft and mellow my days are because I’ve been processing a lot in therapy. But I don’t feel much of a desire to get back to my previous goals right now. And I’ve been feeling a bit bad about that, wondering to myself if it’s a thought error or behavioural issue I need to work through or just simply needing some time.

I would like to get back to my goals when I feel inspired. I’d rather not have to use willpower to force myself to. Maybe there are options other than just these two.

I tend not to engage with my creative projects when I’m feeling grief or working through trauma.

There have been some really lovely changes during this time, like my relationship to my partner has been feeling very sweet and I am enjoying his company so much. I’m listening to him and we’ve been checking in each day about how we’re feeling. And I’ve started visiting some horses at the local saddle club. They are so sweet and cute and I love being around them. Even just thinking of them now makes me smile. I also have been working with a wellness clinic in town receiving regular acupuncture and chiro. I also wanted to celebrate that I’ve been foraging too, picking lots of wild herbs and making wild mint tea and flower essences! And I’ve been delighting in house chores and the sense of fulfillment they bring (yes, tidying feels so nice right now haha).

I was thinking, what if I gave myself the time I need to be with this without judging myself or analyzing my behaviour, without thinking that I’m procrastinating? What if I trusted that when my cup is refilled I’ll be able to return to my goals with motivation?

I don’t know if it’s just how I was socialized but sometimes my trauma work and healing feels separate from the concept of life. Which I don’t like because I want to celebrate myself because this work is hard and it is brave to do it. And I want to celebrate it as much as, if not more than, the achievements I’ve socialized to value, and the story of a type of life I am supposed to want and value.

I feel disconnected from what I’ve understood life is. I’m not even sure I want that version of a life. I would like my own version of life. One where I decide what is an achievement and what is successful. I hope this makes sense.

I want to find a way to bridge the awareness I have gained from this healing work with the life I was building before this recent course of healing.

I guess I’m wondering, how I can return to my goals and vision with this new awareness of my past trauma and what might I change knowing what I know now?

And what is a life that I deem valuable and worthy of pursuing?

Looking forward to receiving your reflections.

Answer:

I think you’ve touched on some really insightful things in this submission. First, I want to focus on the “What if” questions you asked. What comes to mind when you answer your own questions:

What if I gave myself the time I need to be with this without judging myself or analyzing my behaviour, without thinking that I’m procrastinating?
What if I trusted that when my cup is refilled I’ll be able to return to my goals with motivation?