Living with ‘infertility’

I have been ttc for 3 years. I have had many tests, tried everything from acupuncture, reflexology, therapy, investigations with laparoscopy, finally seeing a nutritionist who has also prescribed herbs etc. It is a hard road, i have turned a corner with being aware of my thoughts however feel like i am in a constant battle with myself in the unintentional and intentional model of feeling fear/jealousy to calmness about the situation. I suppose even writing this has helped as i think i feel like i need validation for those feelings and to not feel guilty for investing in myself, these things may not have worked but they have not harmed me. I just feel that i am going 1 step forwards and 2 steps back all the time. I find it particularly hard when i am 1-2 days before due on my period and i get bad period pain – it is hard not to be angry at my body and jealous of those around me who fall pregnant with no issues. I would like to work on this to keep moving forward in the intentional model.

Unintentional
C: TTC for 3 years
T: this is never going to happen
F: fear or resentful
A: worry about future
Feel disappointed with my body for not being able to make a baby
Ruminate about never getting to experience pregnancy – cry
Eat shit food
Cuddle my cats
Procrastinate – go on insta, compare myself to others, see pregnancy announcements and feel resentful
Regret spending money on nutritionist, supplements – other people don’t need them
Feel jealous/hurt when i see pregnant women
R: feel shit/hate on myself/self sabotage

Intentional
C: TTC for 3 years
T: you are doing the best you can
F: hopeful
A: continue to eat well 80% of time
Talk to partner/family
Engage in movement that feels good to my body
Allow myself to hold hope
Take supplements daily
R: feel better that i am doing so well on this incredibly hard journey

 

Answer:

When you think This is never going to happen, your result is you are making this process miserable for yourself. We can’t know what the future is going to bring, but whether you are able to get pregnant or not this is your life, right here in front of you. It’s ok to grieve the life you had hoped to be living now. Allow for some sadness and disappointment as you go through this process.  That’s beautiful clean pain. We need to tidy up the part where you are blaming yourself and your body and feeling like a victim.

Everything is 50/50. not being pregnant, being pregnant, parenting a newborn, and so on. It seems like if you can just get what you want THEN you’ll be happy. But circumstances don’t make us happy, we do. What if you leaned into the 50/50 of TTC? Make a list of the parts you love and the parts that are uncomfortable in this season. Learning this skill will help you when you move into the part where your period pain becomes morning sickness and back pain and so much excitement. When you feel like your life is not your own and you haven’t slept in months and the baby smiles for the first time. Many people who have a longer journey to parenthood feel guilty for thinking it’s hard. But not you. You’ll be ready. You are totally doing the best you can. AAC and the community are here for you.