After joining the flow collective a few months ago, I have been enjoying feeling part of a community of people who want to do the work in order to feel better. I was diagnosed with PMDD during lock down & have suffered with mental health problems for as long as I can remember, on reflection I now realise that so many of my struggles have been connected to having undiagnosed PMDD.
I am happily married with a very supportive partner. The topic of wether or not to have children has always been in the back of our minds & we have talked at length about how life could look with or without children. My mental health struggles have always meant that I didn’t think it would be something I could cope with. My partner has always been honest with me about his lack of desire to have children & I thought we were on the same page.
When lockdown happened all of the things that made child free life enjoyable, like travel & freedom to do what we want, were taken away. I found i was left thinking more & more about how life would look with them & if in fact I do actually want them. My husband is still a firm no.
I turn 40 next year & I find myself really struggling to come to terms with being childfree & fearful of a feeling of regret if we don’t have them. I have a constant feeling of loneliness despite being surrounded by friends & family. I don’t have any friends who are child free & I really struggle to find women my age who don’t have children. I guess my question is how do I find peace with this decision to be childfree, how do I cope with the never ending feelings of loneliness & is there a way I can deal with the feelings that come up during my cycle of going from desperately wanting a baby to then being relived I don’t have one?
Answer:
Thank you for sharing your journey. The thing about feelings is that they come from thoughts. That is why you can experience loneliness even when you are around people who are important to you. The question is why do you feel lonely at those times?
The beauty of understanding that thoughts create feelings is that we gain some of our power back. Those feelings do not just happen to us. Feelings occur because of what we think. That does not mean that we punish ourselves for feeling the way we do. It means that we can see what is causing the loneliness. Once you understand, then you may begin to question those thoughts, if you do not think they serve you.
You may ask yourself questions like:
How is that thought true?
How is that thought not true?
What may also help you is to make an intentional decision of what you want to do. Both of those decisions have something you will gain and something you will lose. By deciding, you may process the feelings that go with that decision. You may move forward having your own back with the decision you made.
We usually want something because how we imagine it would feel.
How do you think you would feel if you had children?
How do you think you would feel not having children?
Maisie recently coached someone on deciding whether to try for a second child or not during the Spring Forwards event. It was a different situation to yours but I suspect it will be helpful for you to watch.
You have great awareness of how the seasons of your cycle affect you. You may use that knowledge to your benefit. It may sound like,
“Of course, I’m feeling [feeling]. I am thinking about how much I want a baby. This is what I do at this season of my cycle, and that is ok.”
“Of course, I feel [feeling]. I am thinking that I would not want a baby. This is what I do at this season of my cycle, and that is ok.”
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