Loss of friendships and family

Hi coaches

Last year I lost a friend to suicide, and as a result, an old friendship group that was connected to her that I had been a part of for years all seemed to break down. I disconnected and I withdrew from them. I did this for a few reasons, a lot to do with really seeing how much I had to people please them and how I had outgrown and moved on from them. And not feeling supported in grief. I never had a conversation about us ending our friendships, I just dialled down the volume and stepped away. None of were ever in touch, so I didn’t reach out. Partly because I realised that had always been the pattern and I didn’t want that any more. I guess now I think about it we sort of just ghosted each other – we never confronted anything, we just don’t speak or see each other any more.
This has bought up so many different emotions over the past year. Both loosing my friend to suicide, and then also loosing all my other friends in this particular friendship group that had been so formative and so much part of my life from my teens, through my twenties. They are all still good friends and see each other often (they all live near each other, whereas I life on the other side of the country) and I feel so ‘left out’ of something that I don’t even think I want to be part of anymore. I have sat with a lot of sadness, grief, anger, disappointment, rejection, relief, loneliness. I could go on!

Alongside this loss of friendship, I have also experienced the breakdown of my extended family. About 4 years ago my Grandma died, and she was the ‘glue’ to our family; and to cut a long story short my Auntie, Uncle and cousins are no longer part of our lives due to a family fall out.

I feel very much like I have lost a lot of the people that have been such fundamental and key figures for the majority of my life: friends and family. They have gone, without much communication and also wrapped up with the pandemic I haven’t seen many of them over the past few years anyway.
It’s as if I left 2019 with all my people and I am stepping out of 2022 with a very small handful left.

I am at a point now where I know I have a few very amazing friends, wonderful and reliable and strong friendships that are built on trust and love and support. And I am really focusing on tuning into my immediate family and building connection and love with them. For a while I couldn’t see these people, I was too focused on the ones I’d lost. I am so grateful for them.

However, I still find myself feeling quite shaken about this whole situation and feeling like I don’t have my people any more…

Answer:

Change, whether it’s welcomed or sought, but especially when it’s unprecedented, can bring up a lot of grief, loneliness, anger, and so much more. It makes a lot of sense that you’re feeling this way for several reasons, but namely the thought, “I don’t have my people anymore.” On a very basic human survival level, not having your people anymore means exposure and a lack of safety. So, of course you’re feeling shaken.

Processing emotion can be a one-and-done experience, but often with feelings like grief and the subset of feelings that come along with it, processing can be a continual, wave-like experience and that’s okay. What if it was okay for you to grieve the loss of these relationships when the feelings arise? How you would feel if you gave yourself permission to have those feelings, and why?

Lastly, show yourself some extra love and compassion as you move through these waves – grief hurts, and you deserve love, especially from yourself. Episode 42 of the podcast, Being With Your Emotions, would be a great listen for you, as would the Self-Love Webinar. You’ve got this, and we’re here for you.