Low self-esteem triggered by one activity

Generally I am a person who prefers life when there is less input.
I have spent a large portion of my life (about 15years) single and would describe myself as an extroverted introvert.
I’ve lived a very full life, travelled widely, and been on many adventures. Mostly alone. I have loved it all. I would consider myself a fairly robust character.
I do find modern life quite intense though. I can get overstimulated easily, sensitivity to noise, fuggy head, stomach issues, and have been to known to have melt-downs in public (crying, confusion etc). I can’t always control this. Its like I just check out.
After lots of counselling and finding the wonderful flow collective – I have in the last year or so been better able to cope.
For the last 4 years I have been with my now partner.
He loves surfing and being quite athletic myself, when we first met he offered to teach me.
However, from day one I really struggled with it.
I struggled with being around so many people in the sea, with controlling a massive piece of foam, with the pressure of ‘performing’ and I have not had many good experiences.
I have torn a ligament, and been smacked with the board many times. After 3 years of trying I still can’t get out of the white water.
Every time I go near the water now with a surfboard I am a nervous wreck. It culminated yesterday evening when I essentially had a panic attack in the water. I felt shame (we were with friends and I broke down in front of them), inadequacy and now can’t seem to quell the feelings of sadness and low self worth. It’s like all my demons stalk me thought one activity.
I want to give up trying but that makes me feel like a failure.
But now every time I try I just melt.
What would you advise? Is there anything I can do to get past the emotional blocks I feel or is it kinder to stop trying?

 

Answer:

If your thought is that you are giving up, then it makes sense that you would feel like a failure. There are so many other ways to frame your (potential) decision to not surf anymore that will be much kinder.

But what I want you to consider is why you have continued for 3 years, because understanding that will help you to make a decision about what’s next.

Come back to us with what bubbles up when you explore these questions. When you respond, title your submission, “Low self-esteem trigger part 2.”