Low self worth/jealousy

Low self worth

I’m feeling so much low self worth it’s overwhelming. I’m constantly comparing myself to other women, noticing attributes that they have & thinking that I don’t have that attribute & that they are therefore better/more attractive/more intelligent/more skilled/more creative than me. It’s exhausting & distancing as I am avoiding certain people & connections because of it. I’m also constantly thinking that I don’t want my boyfriend to meet them because he will connect more with them/fall in love with them & leave me. He did say to me on holiday that the only reason he can imagine he would break up with me was if he fell in love with someone else. Everytime he connects with other women (which isn’t common as he doesn’t have a lot of friends & I am his main source of emotional & social bond) I feel so threatened, jelous & envious & I’ve behaved in abusive ways towards him, for example, Im deeply ashamed to say I read his phone messages the other night & told him straight away, I cried to him & said I found him flirty with other women when we were out in person together at gatherings & challenged him demanding him to explain to me why he thinks it’s ok to flirt with other women & present himself as single & available & that this bothered me, we explored this but I think I was being unreasonable as he felt attacked & judged & criticised. Finding it hard to have healthy grown up conversation with him about boundaries & flirting. I also shared with him the low self worth, jealousy & fear I was experiencing, he was compassionate towards this. He shared that because there seems to be a sexual block between us he has to express his sexual energy somewhere & so it can come out as flirting. That’s the other issue is we’ve been together for one year & our sexual relationship has been challenging from the beginning. I have criticised him for being immature sexually & not being able to Pleasure me in the way I want. I am aware this is also abusive. I am struggling to know what I want sexually & to voice it to him in a way which he can recieve without feeling criticised. We have had sex a lot of times but only really twice has it met my needs in the deepest way that I long for. We have discussed seeing a sex & relationship therapist but because we aren’t currently based anywhere living wise & are both a bit skint we haven’t managed to organise this yet. I’m feeling very stuck, hopeless & have just requested some space from him for a couple weeks as I’m scared of my abusive behaviour towards him. I feel like running away but I know I’d be soo distraught with myself if I did. This is the longest relationship I’ve had in my 20s & his aswell, I’m 27 & he’s 25. I feel like I’m totally hopeless at intimate relationships, that I’m too emotional & destructive.

Wah rant over. Any input appreciated.

Answer:

You are allowed to rant in this space. It’s a safe place for you to land when you feel ashamed, jealous, and not good enough. We are here for every part of you.
Let’s create a model for one part of your submission.
C: Intimate Relationships
T: I am destructive
F: Hopeless
A: Take space from current boyfriend, look for all the times I have acted in a destructive way, don’t look for the ways in which I have done something that I feel good about or that has worked in this relationship or in relationships in the past
R: Destroy myself and, potentially, the connection I have with my boyfriend
You are not one thing and one thing only. Nobody is. You are a dynamic person with a history of beliefs that has created the way you experience the world and yourself in it. The great thing about thought work is that it opens up our minds to what else could be possible for us to think. Do you know anyone else who is only one thing in an intimate relationship (destructive, kind, playful, insecure, boring)? If they aren’t, what else are they? Since they’re a human, and you are too, is it possible you also aren’t just one way in intimate relationships? In what ways might that be true? Create a list of ideas of ways this might be true with statements that start with:
1. It’s possible that…
2. I’m learning…
3. Maybe…
What comes up for you? Come back for more coaching when you’re ready with a follow up submission titled “Low self-worth/jealousy pt. 2”.