Making a decision

I have been trying to use the recent teachings on making a decision to grapple with a choice my partner and I are finding difficult to make. Our families and friends are split on opposite sides of the world, this Christmas we have a lot of family in the same country at the same time and my partner suddenly suggested maybe we should use this as an opportunity to get married. It came out of the blue, I think he forgot he was supposed to do some kind of proposal first (!), but it was such a fun idea we started to run with it.

Could we possibly pull off a wedding at such short notice?? A few emails in we found a rustic venue, a caterer and even some rings. To hell with it, we cried, let’s do this! It seemed wild and fun, but then one of my sisters had a problem with the date. It was like a bucket of cold water thrown over things. We both felt disappointed and after a few attempts to find other venues on other dates , we gave up and thought let’s do this later. My sister then said she could make the original date work after all, and we’ve been in a tailspin ever since.

One minute we decide, no let’s leave it – we are supposed to be prioritising setting up our business and this is already creating too much of a distraction, plus if we wait we can go and see possible venues beforehand, instead of going on some website pictures and hoping for the best. But then we pivot and revert to, but what if we are less perfectionist about it, all that really matter is the right people are there, we can do it simply, this is crazy and fun, carpe diem, let’s go!

I feel like this is a tussle between a part of myself that likes the idea of seeing ourselves as a bit wild and rebellious and romantic, and a part that is saying be grown up, that is fantasy and a bit childish / unrealistic, and it might be terrible.

I have tried countless pairings of thoughts and feelings, but I don’t know how to define what model(s) I am in here, and how to go about choosing. I know we just need to pick one and move on, back ourselves etc, but I can’t seem to stick with a decision. Is it about processing the feelings you have to give up on once you choose the other option? i.e. if we choose the slower, more crafted and considered route (and risk that it will be hard to get family all in the country at the same time again, but trusting we can make that happen somehow!), is it about somehow mourning having to let go of the wilder, more passionate / romantic side of ourselves?

It’s driving us crazy that we can’t choose (and that this isn’t the first time we flip flop on decisions either). I know the intellectual arguments that there isn’t a right or wrong choice, but I can’t seem to feel that. I also note that Maisie said, what if blame weren’t part of the picture, and I thought how do you do that?? I think both of us really suffer from harsh inner critics – I know I am scared of my own critic and seem to have internalised some level of horror at making ‘wrong’ choices…

Not sure where to start here to move out of this indecision! I realise I could ‘just pick one’, but I’m at a loss at how to process all the other thoughts and feelings attached to the other choice, and perhaps what I am making it mean about me / us?

 

 

Answer:

Look back at what you wrote….you did make a decision and when you started taking action on it you felt wild and fun and what else?  As you’ve stopped taking action and gone back to questioning…now what do you feel?

There isn’t a right choice, but there does seem to be one that’s more fun. That can be a good enough reason. If you just let yourself do what you really want to do and got out of your heads, what would it be?

If you knew there was no way it could be terrible because you have everything you need-a partner and your families the rest is just a bonus. It can even be fun if you turn out to have a few disasters along the way. Weddings are 50/50, too.  Here are some bonus thoughts we can offer, take them or leave them: Flip flopping isn’t a problem. Being grown up is overrated.

Think about you on your 25th wedding anniversary telling your love story…what do you want to say about your wedding?