Making it about me instead of showing compassion for my partner

Hi coaches, I’d really appreciate your input to the following situation. It got me stuck in a very uncomfortable place full of self-loathing and shame.

C: boyfriend is on holiday without me, he texts he’s finally becoming aware of unsettling feelings he’s had for a while
T: of course that happens when he’s not with me
F: panic
S: racing heart, shallow breathing
A: I am not able to respond to his messages with compassion, I make it about me, I make it mean a lot that he is able to process his emotions (not concerning me, not a relationship topic) when he is away from me, I panik and don’t know how to get myself out of this overreaction, I beat myself up for not being able to show up for him, I hate myself for making everything about me, I get defensive, I delete messages I sent because I know I’m showing up in a very unhelpful way and I’m not supportive at all
R: I am not good enough

I’m not sure about the R line, but I think “I’m not good enough” is the underlying problem which shows up in this very unhelpful way. Looking forward to any insight to help me navigate out of this situation!

 

 

Answer:

First, give yourself even a little bit of love. You are worthy and whole just as you are. Let yourself be human. You can do this.

I would offer R: I don’t take care of me or him.

Do a bit more exploring around why it’s so scary that he’s having feelings when not in your physical presence. Notice what you are missing because of this fear. What aren’t you seeing in this interaction?

Keep exploring what is story, and what is fact. It’s ok that your brain is panicking. It’s doing such a good job trying to protect you. In the moment, do what you need to do to calm down the panic. There’s no rush.  When you have gotten to a space where you can access your higher brain, that’s when you can do a bit of thought work, and prepare yourself for the next time you get scared in your relationship.

What are some things you know help you? What are your glimmers? See what you find and bring back any questions for more coaching.