Meet-ups with friends

Hi coaches,

I would like some coaching on meet-ups with friends. I enjoy hanging out with friends when I’m with them but I find I frequently get anxious before I go to whatever meetup I have planned. I think I get anxious because I worry that there might be awkward silences or that I won’t have anything to say. When I think about this I know it would actually be fine if that happened and I think the route of it is wanting to have a “perfect” meetup. I think I also worry that I will be bored or not feel connected to the person, which I think also stems from me wanting to have a “perfect” meetup or friendship, which I do know doesn’t exist. I have been practising turning up exactly as I am/not thinking about performing in any way and this has definitely helped. But I do still get nervous, even though 90% of the time I have a really enjoyable experience. I would love to hear any guidance, thank you!

 

 

Answer:

It’s completely natural to be nervous. Our primal brain always wants to be on good terms with the group, because exile from our social circle equals cold, hunger and maybe death. How can you give yourself some love and understanding when you feel the anxiety coming up? How can you attend to your nervous system?

The next layer is of course our stories. What beliefs do you have about what friendship should look like? What do you think of yourself as a friend? What beliefs do you have about how your friends should be? Do a bit of exploring just to see what you find.

For the anxiety, it can be helpful to name it, then invite it along for the ride. You can even talk to it. For example, “I see you anxiety. What do you want to tell me?” Then let it have its moment.  Then buckle anxiety into the passenger’s seat. You get to choose what emotion will drive your meet ups. Anxiety is welcome to come along. What do you think? Try it and see what happens. Bring back any questions or models for more coaching.