Model About Time Part 4

how much will you get done in a day working at optimum efficiency – and do you like your definition? Is it reasonable for a human? Is it reasonable for YOU?
-no buffering, less time needed to get to doing sth, get up get to work, no wasted time, faster turnaround between tasks
-only use the break time I need not prolong them bc I didn’t take a restful break but watched TV or ended up down a YouTube rabbit hole
-dig deep and think things through the first time around, focus, and pay proper attention to each task
-no wasting time on easy but not as useful tasks, staying focused on the important things
-use my free time for true hobbies like making music, reading a book, seeing friends or useful things like social justice-related work, and researching master’s degree options…
-regular movement and fresh air breaks for better focus and decent eyesight
-3 hours of focused university work + 1 hour of simpler related tasks Monday to Saturday
-do things faster in general, whether that be by only aiming for 80%, getting out of my own way by overthinking, or just being physically faster

It sounds mostly reasonable, but I am not sure if it’s reasonable for me (yet), I am for example not sure whether I need the TV time in between to transition into rest or whether I just need to be firmer with myself to break the habit and get to napping faster or whether there are better strategies to skip the buffering/wandering around time between tasks, or whether this is just my bodies way of making sure I don’t work past my current capacity. I probably also can’t will myself to write or raad faster.

And, do the stories your brain says that ‘not having learned your lesson’ and not working fast or efficiently enough contribute to or prevent you from moving closer to your goal? Shame is a terrible motivator, as is overwhelm. Get compassionate and curious here.

I think it is mostly frustration, I want to go faster but feel like I am standing in my own way, or rather my nervous system is, by not being able to skip unhelpful habits or getting over my fear faster because so many things lead to stress and fear responses and have to be dealt with. I feel like I am running against a wall trying to move forward in expanding my capacity because I am unsure whether I just need to practice patience with myself or push. Or to be honest, because I want it to work by pushing because I am sick of waiting. My doctor once said it generally takes as much time to get back to where you were as you were sick which would mean 5 years, which I very much do not want to wait for. I don’t think the stories are helping, nor is the mental strain against where I am currently at with my work capacity. But I can’t yet shake the feeling that maybe it didn’t have to be this way if I could just do things in a better way.

I wonder if you have some black-and-white thinking going on – you’re either working at optimum efficiency, or you’re backsliding. Is there a chance that there’s something in between these two extremes that would work for you? You’re not a robot, and you’re not a potato. You’re a human – a human who is learning and growing and feeling something uncomfortable right now. How can you meet yourself in this place with love? What would love open the door for when it comes to how you talk to yourself about time?

Love could help me downgrade time in its importance, and focus on what I am doing without the added pressure. I could stop blaming myself for being behind or comparing myself now to older versions of myself in terms of efficiency. Action and intention could matter more than the result or how fast I got there. I could celebrate how far I have come or what I am doing more easily and spend less time berating myself and overthinking every hour (mis)spent.
Opening that door feels dangerous in a way, like a thorn in a balloon, if you pull it out the whole thing will deflate. Rationally I know that that is an unlikely outcome and that whenever I get to a point where my brain refuses to do work, letting go and just doing what I want always returns me to a state where I want to and can work. But turning that into a constant way of being feels impossible.

 

 

Answer:

 

You have done some great reflective work, and I hope you can acknowledge that. Now that we know what optimum efficiency looks like in your mind…what would working at acceptable or even just passable efficiency look like? Notice the stories your brain offers you about these two other options for living your life and question them. Do you like them? Are they true? Are there any other ways you could possibly think about operating at either level? Bring it back to what love would allow you to do.

I want to dig into this thorn in a balloon metaphor a bit more. What is the balloon in the metaphor, and why would it be a problem if it deflated? Think about what do you would lose and what you stand to gain.

Have you watched the About Time or the Doing Less videos yet? They are going to be so helpful with this!