Models of seeking support – part 2

Thank you for your coaching. On reflection, I think this event has bought up a lot more past stuff than I was aware of initially – and has triggered a stress response over the last month, where I haven’t felt myself at all.
Growing up, my mum used to give me the silent treatment, on off, when I’d do something she thought was wrong. This had a major impact on my self-esteem, ability to trust or love myself. Especially my relationship to my sexuality, as it happened when I came out to her too. And it all came to a head a few years ago when she stopped speaking to me again, and I decided I was done. I was going travelling at the time, and I didn’t speak to her or my dad for 10 months, even after I’d got back to the UK.
I reached a point where I wanted to have a relationship with them, and trusted that I could handle whatever came up in future. It’s been almost two years since we reconciled, and we’ve been rebuilding things gradually. Things have felt better than ever. But I guess this operation revelation struck something, because it’s the first form of what I perceive as erratic, unpredictable, unstable behaviour.
I think that’s what has shaken me up most about it. Not feeling stable with her, with no idea what she could do next, or this sense that she could leave out of the blue – it was also a major operation where things can go wrong, so that possibly links to the fear of her literally leaving (dying) with no warning.
This is the first big thing that’s come up since reconciling, and it has bought everything up, but I don’t think I even made the connection at first why it was affecting me so much.
I don’t know how to talk to her about this. She’s still in recovery and in a vulnerable position where she needs caring for. But I also am scared about ever rocking the boat with her, out of fear that everything can come tumbling down. Even though I don’t think that would actually happen this time, because the most recent rupture was a big wakeup call for everyone.
Any thoughts on processing all of this would be much appreciated.
Thank you

 

 

Answer:

Why do you need to have a conversation with her about this? What is it you’re looking for? Be gentle as you do a thought download. What does your brain think you need right now? What emotion are you most longing for?

Once you can see what you’re really looking for, use that emotion to drive you. Find the support that you need. Your brain thinks the only way to feel better is for your mom to what? Are there other people who can be that for you as you navigate through this?

What if this is an opportunity to continue rebuilding? No good remodeling project is without some surprises and adjustments. You’re right where you need to be.