Money Mindset and Family of Origin Issues, Finances tied up in family

Hello! I hope this question finds you well <3

All of this money mindset work couldn’t have come at a better time. It feels like such a tangled web to me, that I really don’t know where to start to unpick what my family money story is and how its holding me back. Even just coming here and trying to type some of this out, I’m not even sure where to start or what is worth explaining without just typing out what feels like my life story. I grew up very privileged and have lived my adult life with a robust safety net, so I have a deep belief that I do not deserve to ask anyone for any kind of help with money. I can feel my nervous system trying to shut this whole thing down.

My relationship with money is very tied up with my relationship with my dad. He and my mother were divorced when I was 2 and I primarily lived with my mom and my sister, but my mom didn’t work and my dad made sure we had a really comfortable life. I don’t really remember any discussions about the family’s finances, but I remember conversations about money conceptually, more from my dad. Basically that it was possibly the most important thing in the world and the way you show people that you’re successful, and how you access comfort and pleasure (I would place those very high on his values). My mom and I went shopping for fun, but we did a lot of bargain shopping, we ate out of the house a lot at both cheap and expensive places. Neither of my parents grew up with money so even though it wasn’t like there was anything that I couldn’t have because it was “too expensive” we weren’t allowed to spend frivolously on showy/fancy things, I always went to public school, but we ate well, vacationed well, I went away to summer camp, had a computer, etc. I grew up wealthy but definitely not in an upper class bubble by any means and although my mother, my sister and I had a lot of freedom and agency in this arrangement, my dad was ultimately the one that controlled all of it and could pull the plug at any moment. My father and I have never had a close emotional relationship, but he’s done the every other weekend thing since I was 2, and when I was 13 I moved in with him and my step-mom because my mom’s alcoholism got bad enough that she needed to go away to rehab. That was a difficult time and our contentious relationship only got more difficult and has continued to be rife with conflict into adulthood.

Fast forward to today and I’m in my 30s and I still don’t have my shit figured out financially. I haven’t always depended on my dad financially to varying degrees, from just having help when surprise expensive car trouble comes up to full on paying for education programs and floating me through periods of unemployment during the pandemic. About a year ago I was in an unsafe living situation and he helped me get into a place by myself that is great, but overpriced for what it is, but its what I could find when I needed to go. So now he’s a cosign on my lease, paying an allowance that covers my rent and then some and our relationship throughout the pandemic was mostly peaceful and stable, but its that tense peace that you know is one wrong move away from completely crumbling. And that happened after the Roe leak. I said some nasty shit to my republican step-mother and without asking me a single question about anything set a limit that I am cut off if I’m not working full time in 90 days. I know for my own best interest that taking a full-time job that isn’t in the industry I want to be in will only get me further away, not closer to what I am aiming for, so I am not trying to make his deadline or even to get that allowance back, but I have an accelerated timeline where I really need to sort this stuff out quickly and if I don’t sort the mindset out, I’m afraid I am going to keep coming back to these dependent situations and always have my father entwined in my money and able to use it as both proof that he loves me or a weapon to control me depending on how it suits him to do so.

I feel a lot of shame around my privilege and the belief that I should have been able to do more with it. So much so that I find even being honest about all this deeply embarrassing and shameful, but I really don’t want to be stuck anymore and I dont know where to even start, but I know that money has been used as a proxy for love for a lot of my life and I think it factors into why I stay broke and dependent on my father.

 

Answer:

Thank you for sharing your story with us, please know that you’re not alone in this experience or these feelings, and that nobody here has anything but an open door to your story and place on this journey. You have a keen insight here – that money has been used as a proxy for love. Let’s explore some more of your mindset around money. What else can or could money be energetically used for (i.e. besides buying things) in your mind? What comes up for you when you see this list? When you respond, please entitle your submission, “Money and Family pt. 2”. We’re so glad to hear that this is well-timed for you!