Money Mindset: Not feeling worthy of living a ‘luxurious’ lifestyle

Context: My boyfriend and I met 7 years ago at Uni when we both studied theatre studies. I wanted to be a journalist, he wanted to be a director. We both went on other career paths and found something that we both even liked better than what we thought we would do. I am working at a PR agency, he taught himself how to code and is now a developer at a crypto startup. He is now going on some business trips that are quite luxurious, like flying business class and staying in fancy hotels and resorts and I am genuinely happy for him that he gets to experience that. We always talked about maybe moving to Lisbon one day and he rented an apartment there this year because it makes sense for him work-wise. We also still have our apartment in Berlin that we both pay for.

Today we went to his work event that was at a beautiful and fancy location. I noticed that I felt like I didn’t really belong there even though everyone was very nice and welcoming. Then I realized it is similar to how I feel about the apartment. He really wants me to be there and is happy we can be together at this beautiful place. However, because I haven’t paid for the place, I feel like I don’t belong.

So I wanted to try out some models to see what comes up.

C: My boyfriend is renting an apartment in Lisbon.
T: I didn’t pay for the apartment.
F: unworthy
A: I explain to my friends that it made sense for him financially. I am doubting that he wants me there. I am not behaving like it’s my place, too (asking him if it’s ok if I invite friends over. I would never do that in Berlin. I would just announce that friends are coming over).
R: I don’t feel at home, I feel like a guest.

I asked myself ‘Why is this a problem?’ and I think it’s hard for me to accept his generosity because I always wanted to be financially independent. I still am, I am earning my own money and paying for my own things. He happily invites me to things I couldn’t afford. But I have a lot of resistance to accepting this. So maybe another one:

C: My boyfriend is earning more money than I am.
T: I don’t want to financially depend on him
F: fear
A: ???
R: I have resistance to accepting things he pays for.

I would love some coaching on this. I am really looking forward to the money mindset workshop, too.

 

Answer:

I love how you are getting curious and noticing similarities in how you are thinking. This is such a good place to start with money mindset.

However, when I look at what you’ve written, what stands out as the most painful thought is actually in your action line- I am doubting he even wants me there

Try this model and see what comes up. Remember there is no judgment, it doesn’t have to mean anything, it’s just seeing what’s going on in your brain.

C:My boyfriend is renting an apartment in Lisbon.

T: I’m not sure he wants me there

F: how does this feel?

A: How do you show up when you feel this way?

R: What is the result for you?

If you were 100% confident in yourself and your relationship, the money, the events and the apartment would just be a fun bonus. That may be somewhere to explore when you are ready to work on some intentional models. But for now it’s important to sit with where you are, even though it may be uncomfortable.