Money panic wake-up call

Hi,
I went freelance in journalism last year – and just calculated my earnings from april 2024 to the end of this year’s tax year, including commissions I know I have before then. It was actually lower than I thought, at £20,200.
I used to earn £45k before going freelance – albeit in a job I was unhappy in – so this is quite shocking. Yet, also kind of expected, because I’ve also toned down the freelancing at various parts of the last year (eg to work on a book proposal) – and intentionally did that to avoid burning out. There was a family holiday that was 3 weeks, too, so no work then; plus some time recovering from family revelations.
Also, this is my first year of trying this – and I didn’t even know if I could do it at the start. But I’ve shown myself I can. Essentially, I don’t think this income is actually representative of a year of consistently freelancing, esp with the skills and experience and confidence I have now.
However, it’s made me panic big time. Not just that, but I notice the way I’m talking about myself to others about my work, I’m putting myself down as not earning much etc and money being tight etc. And there’s something going on under the surface around equating this income level to lack of success. Plus I also turned 30 during that time, so there’s stuff caught up there about where I should be at this point in my life etc.
EVEN THOUGH in many ways, I have never felt more successful with work than I have in the last year… I took major risks, went after what I want, am doing work I love, and have put myself out there more than ever in my life. I have transformed my relationship with work itself, after years of being stuck out of fear of what would happen if I worked too hard again (following various fall outs after university and growing up as a ‘high achiever’ at big personal cost).
There is so much to celebrate and be proud of, but in this moment I just want to cry. This is not enough money to live off, and I have gone into my savings to support myself through this year (or rather, into some voluntary redundancy money I got at the start of it).
The wild part is, there’s still 2 months until the end of the tax year…. Where I could put out a ton of emails and ideas and do everything in my power to get more money before the year is out. It’s not over!
I would love to harness this information to go all out and end my first year of freelancing on a high. And also, to stop acting from a place of powerlessness and putting myself down to others and myself. Because it’s bullshit. But the numbers have freaked me out.
Do you have any advice on holding onto a powerful narrative here and using this new info to fuel the next 2 months?
Thanks so much

 

 

Answer:

 

What would going out on a high mean to you? Get specific about the numbers (the number of jobs, income, hours worked even), and the emotional quality of it. What would success, no matter what, look and feel like to you?