Money tied to self-worth – part 2

Thank you for these insights! I enjoyed exploring where my relationship with money and what I make it mean comes from – it makes a lot of sense from family attitudes, to uni friends and society why I essentially make it mean I’m a certain level of ‘successful’.
What was interesting is that in the job where I earned £45k, and in the one after at £30k, and in my first year of freelancing at £20k = the one where I have felt most successful, proud, purposeful and happy is the lowest paying one. This is wild to me. It’s a reminder too, that its dangerous to tie money to self-worth, because no matter how much you earn there’s probably the possibility that it won’t feel ‘enough’.
I like the idea of having fun with this and re-framing it this year into: how much could I make, just for fun? I know I can survive off the 2 day a week mag job I have for now, in terms of paying for basics (rent, travel, food, bills etc), with some need to supplement it for living costs.
But what if I could have fun with freelancing to see what’s possible here?! Rather than making it a measure of how successful I am at it and in a broader self-worth way (I grew up in a small town, parents always struggled for money, I always wanted a ‘better life for myself’ and it makes sense that I’d be attaching it to success and worth).
Also: I recently asked for a pay-rise in my part-time job. My boss said no the amount I asked for. And gave me a very small rise (which still doesn’t equate to the amount i was earning 3 to 4 years ago in my last journalism job when you include the self-employed additions).
I think I’ve made me make it mean that she doesn’t think I’m worthy of being paid what I think I deserve and should be earning by now, or that I’m not good enough etc (it’s definitely tapped into those fears about my writing – despite her saying that she thinks I’m a good writer). But I also know it’s an issue of their budget, not a personal reflection of me. Yet, I notice it making me feel inadequate, shaking my confidence, and resentful to her.
Do you have any tips on depersonalising money things in the moment like this?
Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

Big celebration for having that money conversation! What have you learned? What have you shown your brain? How is this “no” exactly what you needed? You are already aware of the many reasons she is paying you what you’re being paid. You just get to decide how long you want to feel inadequate and resentful. There is no timeline and no rush. What if it was ok to just feel how you feel? What if it’s ok that it seems personal?