Mother in law visit – Part 2

So I have a specific scenario in mind from the most recent visit where I had a very strong nervous system reaction. Here is my thought download on it:

During her visit was the time of the lunar eclipse. We live in an area where it was not possible to view it, but the topic was brought up in the news on television. To add to the conversation I told her that my cousin is in the states and saw it and was able to get some nice photos. Her response to me was – pulling a funny face and making a noise (its hard to describe but its used as like a sarcastic way of communication ‘’oooohh good for you/her… sort of thing). My body reaction was a sinking gut feeling and in my heart, which ran straight up to my throat. Previously I used to nervously laugh whenever she would make comments like that. However, I felt that this was giving her a reaction to her behaviour so this time I just didn’t respond. She then laughed it off and we proceeded on with the conversation.

But it made me feel annoyed that she could be so immature and like its disrespectful to me. I very often get this reaction from her with very trivial things. I think she has a big chip on her shoulder about being from a poorer background than me and I think this is where I feel like I am being attacked and judged during her visits. And because it is my home, it is my safe space where I want to relax and feel comfortable.

I have the below model. In this scenario I had the automatic body reaction of the gut sinking and throat shrinking before I had any chance of a thought.

C – Person made a funny face and sound

T – She is being very immature

F- Hurt/Annoyed

S – Gut sinking, throat shrinking, heavy heart

A – I do not react in that moment, I let it pass but then ruminate about how hurt and annoyed I feel. I look for more evidence of my issues with her.

R – I end up holding on to that scenario and believing that all conversations with her will end up with me feeling on edge

 

 

Answer:

This is such a great scenario to work on. Can you get your circumstance just a bit more factual?  Take the time to really describe what the muscles in her face did. Break it down. Try to take any interpretation out of it. Once we have the facts, the rest is story. You are probably not noticing any thought first yet because you have some default thinking running in the background. Do a bit more exploring around your beliefs about why she acts this way. What do you think poorer people think about you?

Now, you may be 100% right about her motivations, etc. The question then is….so, what? Right now you are suffering. Your brain thinks it’s because of the things she says, what she thinks, how her face moves and sounds she makes, but what if that’s not true?

She is being very immature….so, what? Ask yourself why this is a problem for you. Don’t judge, coach or edit your answer. Just see what’s underneath the annoyance and hurt. Stick with the eclipse situation.