Mothering and challenging behaviour

I am experiencing very challenging behaviour from my 5 year old. We are thinking he may be ASD/PDA as a lot of his behaviours and the things he struggles with suggest this. His dad has also recently moved out and he is struggling with the change. The worst behaviours are around getting up in the morning and going to school, going to bed or any moment of change/transition or new people coming or going. What i want coaching on is how i feel when he is in melt down or displaying the challenging behaviours – he can be re rude, violent and do whatever he can to upset me which is usually making a mess, throwing things or do what he’s not meant to be doing. I can see he gets caught in it which is the most frustrating thing, he doesn’t want to be doing it but he feels like he has to play it out. He’s also getting quite big a strong so he can hurt me.

Im struggling with how i respond and all of the thoughts i have when he is melt down, they include:

T: I am a bad mum. He wouldn’t behave like this if i was a good enough mum
T: He is a horrible child
T: Why is this happening to me, it s not fair
T: I can’t handle this
T: this behaviour is awful

A: Shout at him
A: Hide in my room with my back against the door
A: Cry
A: Resist the urge to drag him outside so he stops

E: Dispair
E: Overwhelm
E: Fear of the moment and the future
E: Grief

What snaps him out of it is usually me shutting the door and not letting him in which makes him even more angry and then it makes him upset enough to move into the crying and allowing me to let him in and give him a hug. I have to disengage with him.

I know if he’s autistic it doesn’t change what an amazing person he is and will be, its just the challenging side of it, the PDA side of it, that i struggle with. I am worried it will be make his life hard and for me managing it, especially now i am a single parent.

I think there lots of different strands going on here and i need some help to compartmentalise whats going on and come up with useful thoughts to help me through.

Thanks

 

 

Answer:

 

First of all, let’s take a moment to honor what you’re going through. That does sound hard. Parenting is hard all by itself on the best of days. Let’s just say it’s a circumstance that it’s a lot to manage right now.

My first question is what other scaffolding and support is available to you right now? When things are a lot, there’s no harm in calling in all the troops to offer what they can – GPs, pediatricians, psychologists or other clinically trained mental health professionals, trusted friends and family, and the list goes on. Who else can you reach out to for some help at this time?

You’ve illuminated some of the thoughts that are painful. What’s your hunch about some helpful thoughts in these moments? If you had to guess at three that might help you stay afloat when he’s having a meltdown, what might they be? Do this with compassion in the forefront – you are learning as much about navigating the world in a new way as he is. It’s a journey for you both.