moving to my very own place, financial burden of it and transitional time in my life

Hello dear coach,

I got coached on this little bit over one of the calls but it has many layers to it so would like to continue my coaching over here 🙂

I moved to a French city (M) 1 month before the pandemic hit and have had serious health sruggles since I moved here. My brain associated the town and country with the challenges I experienced and I had the thought that only good memories I have here are with my boyfriend whom I met in the summer of 2020. We used to live with my boyfriend in one of the best apartments I ever lived in. Then he wanted travel a lot again so got a remote job to be able to work from wherever in the world. I joined him in the first 2-3 months of this endeavor and had a lovely time in Brazil, Sweden and Italy. I needed to make peace with the town and love it without my bf as well, plus the financial aspect I spent the last 4 months in M in my old flat with roommates I have nothing in common with.

I realized that I wasn’t happy in the flatshare so took massive action to get my own place. I needed to ask 3 friends for being guarantors, ask other friends for helping me with making phone calls in French etc. and after a longggg search, I found a nice place which is in the old neighborhood I lived with my bf and adored. I am finishing up my phd so the fact that my contract was ending soon made getting a place challenging. I will apply for citizenship after my phd which is usually a 2-3 years process so I decided that I will stay in this town I’m comfortable and know some people at least who can help me if I need any support.

A lot came for me in the flat search process because my budget is limited, plus I had the thought that I have to live in M bc of job and visa, so at least I should have lived in the nice flat we used to live in and now I’m somehow stuck in my flatshare and country while he is traveling and making good money. I know that he has 20+ years work experience, no visa requirement and experience with traveling and working but I Was comparing myself to him and how he does everything so easily while I was having a hard time. Plus not speaking the language well while searching a flat frustrated the fuck of me and made me feel helpless. A friend let me stay in her place while she was gone bc I was too overwhelmed in my flatshare but I was quite overwhelmed which impacted our dynamics I think.

I learned a lot in the last couple of months such as I don’t wanna be in academia bc of many reasons but one of the big ones being the shit pay and I want to be able to have a nice place to live as an adult, travel, and enjoy life. I need to focus on my French now and particularly after graduation to make my life in France easier and get citizenship easily. So I made a big plan including my own flat, finishing up my phd, getting a well-paid job while working on my coaching biz, then applying for citizenship, and then traveling like I want to.

Back to the flat situation, I like the place I got but it’s not my perfect home to live in the coming 2-3 years but it’s my first ever living alone situation 🙂 and I learned a lot in the process of getting the flat. I forgot to mention that I’ll be in Barcelona (Spain) with my bf till april (when I defend my phd) so will put my place to airbnb or if it doesnt work bc it’s slow season then get a subletter. But my budget is limited so mom will get my furniture (which costs a lot more bc of the conversion to her local currency). I wanted a furnished place which didnt get but I know that I couldnt stay in my old flatshare and need a place to live till I finish phd and be peaceful. I also hope that I can put my place to airbnb and cover the expenses for my travels in the future.

I had the thought that I’m putting all this effort and money and taking risk with the flat bc it might not cover its expenses and out me in debt, my mom supporting me financially and I might end up moving out of M even after graduation, if I get a job somewhere else (which is unlikely bc I want to get a remote job and have the french address more for visa regulations). Also bc I’m in Barcelona I need to be going back and forth to M which is not too far away from Spain but still, it takes time and energy to organize the trips to set up my new place and money. I know that at least the time I’m in M, I will be more or less comfortable and have my own nest. I’m also asking myself if this is not necessary bc I also spend too much time with the moving while I want to concentrate on writing my dissertation to finish my phd. I learned a lot about how things work in France, flexed my money mindset, and saw some of the ways I can depend on people and it does not bring good results.

While writing this I see now more clearly that all of this was a learning experience for me, I have the plan to follow, I am learning to be more flexible, do project and resource management but I would like to be coached on what thought would help me right now in this transition time (from PhD to “job” market, having my own place, applying for citizenship, having my bf not in M anymore).

Thanks a lot for reading my long background story 🙂

 

Answer:

Great question. Very frequently, we who are on this path of self-discovery can let ourselves think that the ultimate goal of our work is to always feel confident, calm, trusting, open, happy…or any other positive emotion that is associated with ‘The Pinnacle of Self-Awareness’ but that’s not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to be able to show up in life with all of it’s beautiful challenges and love ourselves even when we feel overwhelmed, unsure, stressed, sad, dissatisfied, and so on.
What if you were to let yourself think, “This is just the part when I feel/think ________.”? When you phrase a thought about how you’re feeling that way, you simultaneously validate your experience without making it mean something about who you are, give yourself the opportunity to be objective, and normalize regular human life with regular human challenges during times of transition. How does this land for you? Let us know in a follow up post titled, “Time of Transition pt. 2”