My partner doesn’t want kids but I do – how do we move forward?

For a long time I’ve felt that I want to become a parent one day. I’m 34 now and I feel ready. I have always been transparent about this with my partner (now 7 years together) and we casually talked about it, but we only started talking about it seriously 1-1,5 years ago. He was unsure about whether he wanted kids. We talked everything through, thought about it individually, talked to friends with kids. The last few months it has become clear that he would rather not have kids, and he doesn’t want our life to change. But he knows I want it no matter what, and he doesn’t want to lose me (nor I him). So he’s not given me a hard no, but we have also run out of ‘steps’ to take to get closer to a decision. We keep ignoring it for a while, then having very emotional conversations about it. Full of love and understanding, but just not in alignment about our future. He’s said his feelings ‘might change’, but I’m having a hard time waiting for him to make up his mind. I’m open to exploring ‘modern family’ options where we stay in a relationship but don’t parent together (though I know that would change things and have its own challenges), but he’s not. I don’t know what to do.

UM:
C: My partner tells me he might not want kids.
T: If I wait until he makes up his mind, it could be too late for me (whether I’m doing it with him or by myself).
F: Fear
A: I worry about it.
A: I press him to find a ‘plan’ to making up his mind (even though that doesn’t work).
A: I resent him.
A: I doubt my own wish to become a parent.
A: I don’t allow myself to discuss my doubt with my partner.
A: I talk to everyone who will listen about this, and feel disappointment when I don’t find a solution.
R: There is an undercurrent of anxiety and resentment in my life and relationship.

IM:
C: My partner tells me he might not want kids.
T: I have time to wait and figure it out together.
F: Curious
A: I talk to my partner without needing a resolution right away, we explore our thoughts, feelings and considerations.
A: I can place the issue out of my mind frequently, and live my life.
A: I think of things I want to do now that I am still child-free, and take steps to do them.
A: I talk/think/write about my own complicated thoughts and expectations of parenthood, without judgment or pressure.
R: I create space for a nuanced consideration of the matter.(?)

The IM is partly accessible to me, though I struggle often times to access it. I still feel like I’m ‘fooling myself’ when I think about it this way, and the fear creeps up that he’ll decide against kids, I’ll have to leave him and try to become a single + geriatric parent and my life will be sad and hard and lonely. Or give up on my dream of becoming a parent, which I have complicated feelings about but my gut says I need to do.

Answer:

These models are an excellent start. Here are some other results to consider. For your unintentional model, what do you think about R: I don’t make up my mind of what I want to do?

Notice how you are questioning yourself, and you are waiting on your partner. You put some of your decision on your partner. It leaves you at making a decision based on how and when he answers.

For your intentional model, what do you think about R: I give myself time to figure it out?

Notice how you are using different tools to explore your feelings. Your actions are all based on you, and not on what your partner does or does not do.

As far as figuring out what you want, let’s start with you alone. Take your partner out of the equation. What do you want? If it is still unclear, it may be helpful to do a model with the C of “having a child” and a different model with C: Not having children. How would you feel with each of these circumstances? Why would you feel that way?

Once you understand what you want, you can add in your partner. If we had a crystal ball and knew that he would never agree to have a child, what would you do? Check in with how that feels and why.

If our crystal ball said he would agree at some point, how long would you be willing to wait?