My self-concept has evolved…how to bring my partner with me?

I got very angry yesterday. It made me realise there is something boiling in me, just below the surface and it so easily boils over. I want to be guided by this anger but I am scared of what will come of opening the pot.

I am feeling a lot of resentment about the mental load, everything I have done for the family and still do. My partner lives in his own world. I feel I have grown so much over the last few years and carry so much of the emotional and practical burden of being parents. He has had ‘a hard few years’ since covid with his job, and a lot of the time the dialogue has been that he has held onto jobs he doesn’t like for our family’s sake. Now he is (with my blessing) exploring getting back into the creative sector and going freelance. Watching him, I realise there is a lot of dreaming and not very much practicality to his plans. I offer him advice about taxes and self-assessment, and looking into the practicalities of running his own business, but he says yes and then ignores and keeps flitting and experimenting with lots of different creative outputs. His current role requires very little of him except the odd day of panic. He will get his final paycheck in a month.

I am on a good salary but not enough to pay our full mortgage and childcare and all the other expenses. I do most of the life admin for the kids (paying bills, communicating with school etc). In the household we do share cooking and cleaning. My job is very intense but enjoyable, full time, and although I was made redundant during my maternity leave, I held my head high and powered through, securing myself an even better role despite having a very difficult second child in terms of sleep. I do all the night waking even now. My children come to me when they need comfort. I am an absolute powerhouse.

It has always been my nature to be maternal. I have in the past attracted people to me who are looking for that love and support, a more one-sided, support based relationship. I think even with my partner, our relationship did start off with some signs that this was our dynamic. However, we’ve been together more than 10 years and although I can see there is some of that going on, it is more complex than that and on the whole we have been very happy. He has been very emotionally supportive and although currently not the case, there have been times when he has picked up the slack.

I suppose I am looking for some direction on questions to ask myself. I did some thought work but I am not sure it is the right thing for this. Are there any questions I can explore? I think there is an aspect of aligning my evolved self-concept with my relationship now, which on the whole hasn’t evolved as quickly. I guess I struggle with how to make sure that in the family setting, I am owning the sense of putting myself first and knowing I am important that I have fostered in my time in the membership. At work, I have seen myself flourish due to a shift in my self-concept. But at home… it is hard enough to change relationship dynamics when there are only 2 people involved – throw in two kids and underlying ‘motherhood’ identity stuff and it’s just so hard to honour myself and truly listen to my needs and my boundaries! Help!

Answer:

Take a look at your thoughts around being maternal. Start with a thought download. Don’t edit or judge anything. Think about your beliefs and where they have come from. Notice patterns.

How have they helped you in your relationship?

How have they created results you don’t like?

Repeat for your thoughts around your partner. You have written a lot here, but really explore it. Don’t edit or judge. Let it all come out. Evaluate.

See what you find and come back for more coaching.