My self concept has evolved…how to bring my partner with me Part 3?

Women should care for others – is this true? It is no more true than ‘humans should care for others’. And even then, do I believe that? Is it conditional? And is it something we should do?
I think the strong woman I want to be cares for herself. So I think the thought “I care for myself.” or “Strong women care for themselves” is good. It even feels good to say “I love myself.” It feels right that my thoughts will radiate from a place of self-love and compassion.

Looking at the core thought: Others come first always, or I put others first. I do think the counter thought to this is ‘I am important’ – this thought does help to unpick the patterns that have brought me here, it is just sometimes hard to reach for that thought in tough moments of exhaustion at 3.30am. And that is okay, because everything is always evolving and I am doing my best.

I am going to try reaching for the thoughts “I love myself” and “I am important” today, being present and aware of the thoughts that come up ahead of them, and report back on the results.

LATER: Okay, so today I noticed myself reaching for more negative thoughts when we were late to a family meal, but I found love for myself and for us and of course, it was fine. But it was nice to not stress out in the moment with thoughts that would lead to shame. I treated myself as I would a friend. I also was kind to myself with my toddler in a restaurant – he’s very busy, but I happily let family members take him off so I could enjoy my food, knowing they love me and him and my partner and they wanted to help from a place of love and that was great.

A big bit of love for myself this evening on a regular routine that often plays out in a way I don’t feel good about. I turned it around with valuing my time, because I am important. (the UM is often how things go – I tried leading with love for myself tonight, and it played out as the IM)

UM
C: My daughter’s bedtime routine
T: I am not giving her enough of my time
F: guilt
S: energy rising up in my throat
A: always giving two more minutes, not acting on my words, giving into my daughter’s requests every time, responding to her emotional cues, feeling more guilty about every action I take, not playing ‘well’, rising resentment, grumpy face, resistant body language, hands on hips, reactive eventually to any further pushes from her to push bedtime later, then reacting to my reaction and spending ages talking through my reaction
R: I give more time than I am comfortable with

IM
C: My daughter’s bedtime routine
T: I value my time
F: loving
S: warmth in my chest
A: clear and consistent time management, clear expectations, warm but firm boundaries with my daughter, present play, open and clear body language, knowing where I end and she begins, showing her what self-respect looks like, showing her what mutual respect looks like (I feel I should dig into these?), connection, read with enjoyment, sing her a lullaby, leave the room when I am ready.
R: I spend valuable time with my daughter.

I think I am really good at connecting my thought with my result, which I do think is very valuable as it is so clear to me how thoughts lead to results! 🙂 In the intentional result, I actually planned to put the result as ‘I have valuable time to myself’, but actually, the other result which in some ways is more important to me is that the time I spend with my daughter is affected so much by the thoughts. So even though when I am having these thoughts my focus is BEYOND this time with her, in fact, the thought is affecting me both in the moment and beyond, and just derails my entire evening! And I just have a much better time throughout my evening if I set boundaries both internally and externally.

Answer:

Such great awareness here, and way to connect the T line and the R line. Keep playing around with these thoughts, noticing when you are showing up in a familiar UM (or a new one too!), and giving yourself grace at 3:30 in the morning – it is hard to reach for those thoughts when you’re sleep deprived! Something that might help in those situations is to consider what’s the lowest bar for success in those times? What’s a low-hanging-fruit thought that elevates you one step up from where you notice yourself showing up in a not-so-good feeling UM?