My self-concept has evolved…how to bring my partner with me? pt 2

Being maternal – a thought download

I am maternal
Being maternal is attractive to men
Women should care for others
Caring for others gives me value
If others need me I have value
If I am not nice I am mean
Maternal means anger
Being maternal is weak
Others come first always
If I don’t care for others I am selfish
If I had not become a mother I would have less value
Mothers do not command respect
Mothers have no boundaries

How have these thoughts helped in my relationship?
Caring for others gives me value – Before I worked on my self-concept, this thought was helpful in giving me a feeling of worth and reward in relationships generally. It is how I fit into my OG family, as the eldest girl.
If others need me I have value – this was also a thought that helped in my relationship as my partner has always needed me. At the small windows of time in a very specific situation where he did not need me or my help, I would get quite offended or triggered by this.
Others come first always – my partner and I had a chat recently out of all these feelings, and he said something that really really resonated ‘My only child meets your martyr’ – we have often discussed my ‘martyr’ behaviour (when I come to the end of my ‘putting others first’ tether) and his only child behaviour. But the thought that others should always come first meant that literally the only child in him was supported by the ‘carer’ in me (and definitely still is at times).

How have these thoughts created results I don’t like?
Mothers have no boundaries – this thought has led to soooo much guilt if I cannot respond to my children’s every cry and need. I do think that it has resulted in me helicopter parenting my eldest, which we are now sort of unpicking and I am proud of her and me. But from my perspective, it is exhausting and tied up with the thought ‘others come first always’. The result being I have no time, and then I believe I have no time. But also that I do not value myself, I do not give myself importance, and the cycle continues. Really these all come back to the same core thought of others coming first. And what I want to be thinking is ‘I am important’.

UM
C: It is 3.30am and my son is crying.
T: Others come first always.
F: Anger.
S: sickness in my stomach.
A: don’t wake my partner, take my duvet into my son’s room, lie with him and breastfeed him to sleep, go over in my head all the sacrifices I make for my family, worry about underdelivering at work the next day, tight shoulders, tight chest and shallow breathing, gritted teeth, not responding to my body’s needs (sleep, toilet, water).
R: I continue to prioritise others’ needs over my own.

I am going to leave it with the unintentional model for now and sit with that, as I would love your thoughts on my thought download, as well as my answers to the questions you asked. I think this way of thinking is so deeply engrained, and I do believe that perhaps the thought ‘I am important’, which has been part of growing my self-concept, is core to me breaking out of this unhelpful way of thinking about being maternal, being a woman.

Answer:

This is all really powerful. Celebrating with you for allowing yourself to explore it. Check in with how you are feeling. What do you need today? How can you care for you today? You don’t need to do any thought work unless you want to. We love the idea of sitting with this for now. Listen to yourself.

One question I have about your thought download is: Where are YOU in it? As you recognize the patterns that have brought you here, you also have the opportunity to move forward as the parent, partner and person you want to be. Open up to beginning to see that vision.