My sex drive is back and it’s affecting my daily life

Context: I’ve been with my bf for 7 years, and for the last 3-4 years my desire to have sex has faded. I enjoy sex with him, but I just never felt turned on. I always felt guilty about not having sex as often as we both wanted, but I also didn’t want to make myself do something I didn’t feel into at the time. It’s been a bit of a sticking point in our relationship where he feels like I don’t desire him anymore and has said that (I’m not just in his model!)

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself lately, discovered that I was still suffering from a sexual harassment incident when I was 17 and that I wasn’t feeling safe (although I did feel safe before). I initially wanted to communicate that with my bf so he knew of the experience, but it turns out simply me being aware that it was still causing me issues has lessened the impact, so I haven’t brought it up.

Current issue: I recently remembered that I used to enjoy reading erotic romance books when I was a teen, so downloaded some on my Kindle to see if I would still react the same. In part I did, I enjoyed the book but I had a totally unexpected reaction to the first sex scene. I went all hot and felt dizzy like when blood sugar levels are low. I had to put the book down and breathe deeply to prevent myself feeling vomity/like I was going to pass out. I breathed through it and when it passed I carried on with the book, and it didn’t happen again. Was a bit weirded out but curious about that reaction.

Since then, and since reading more erotic books, I entered my Spring and literally was turned on ALL week. I couldn’t focus at work, kept wanting to jump my bf and was just generally out of sorts. It felt good, but its now 2 weeks later and I’m still not focusing at work. I’m just entering my Autumn today so I’m worrying about it more than I did in my Spring and Summer (which were the most fun I’ve had in a long time). I think I’m worrying because last night I initiated sex with my bf and he said he wasn’t feeling into it. Fair enough, I’ve said that plenty of times to him, that’s perfectly acceptable. But it was something he said when I told him I was reading another ‘sexy book’ that has stumped me a bit. He said ‘books can turn you on but I can’t’ with a little laugh as if to brush it away. I know this to be untrue, but I hate that he feels that way.

I finally felt like I’d found something that had ‘unblocked’ me, and rekindled my imagination when it came to sex, but now I can’t focus at work and my bf seems put off by it when he wasn’t a week earlier. I’m not sure how I feel. I’m aware I’m treading into getting into his models, but maybe I’m feeling a little embarrassed that it took reading an erotic book to open me up again and guilty that he hadn’t been able to do that for so long. I just realised that the reason that I wasn’t having fun like the people in the stories is because I was stopping it from happening, and that realisation has made me feel more free, but now it feels a bit of an issue.

My typing has slowed towards the end so I can tell I’m not convinced by what I’m writing, so I’ll leave it there and I’d appreciate any comments or pointers. Thank you

 

 

Answer:

The only way people’s words affect us is if we believe them. If your bf had said “Stop signs can turn you on, but I can’t” you would probably be really confused. You’d be very confident he was wrong.

You both seem to have the belief that you should just be turned on simply because you are in a relationship, or simply because he desires sex. Then you are making your desire or lack thereof mean something is wrong with you. His words reinforce your belief. That’s where the embarrassment and guilt starts coming up for you. For him it brings up some insecurity, and that’s ok.

If you loved you 100% and him 100% and you recognized you’re both just humans with brains, how would you show up here? Do a thought download and see what comes out. Bring any questions you have back for more coaching.