Navigating my emotions in a work/friend relationship

To start, I have romantic and sexual feelings towards a friend/colleague that is not single. I have had these from the beginning since they started at my workplace. Since knowing each other, we’ve developed a really good friendship and they have also actively supported me with my work and also my music (including coming to watch open mics I have done). I have decided that no matter what, I was to stay good friends with them as we get on really well and have lots of similar hobbies and interests.

The problem I am self coaching on is the following: I experience a physical barrier in my body when I am around them sometimes since knowing they are not single which can cause me to be awkward around them and not be fully myself. This is particularly in the workplace or if we’re with other people. Though I still notice it sometimes when I am around just them.

What I have realised is that since coming out of a long term relationship last year, this has coincided with me learning who I am again which has really made me learn to trust myself. For example, I’d forgotten how flirty and outgoing I am with lots of people after having been quite ‘reigned in’ for a long time.

I am torn between wanting the romantic feelings to go away, but I actually enjoy having them and suppressing them has actually made me behave more awkwardly around this person. I have also decided I am not going to tell the person how I really feel about them. While I have a fear of being exposed and them as well as colleagues having thoughts about me and how I am around this person, I have decided it is okay for them to have thoughts. I also know I am not crossing any boundaries with our friendship which is something I am fearful of, but it’s actually me who is putting up a boundary and barriers in my body to the detriment of myself. Our relationship so far has actually taught me to lean into working on my rejection sensitive dysphoria as well as recognising I am worthy of having amazing friends. I have also found that this person and the self coaching is really helping me grow as a person and helping me to find myself again and who I am becoming.

What I am working on right now is this inner ‘barrier’ sensation of a blockage being me. A few thoughts that have come up:
– It is okay for me to not totally reveal myself to this person
– I am safe to evolve with this person
– It is okay for me to evolve with our relationship
– I don’t want to hurt or upset anyone
– I still want this person romantically (this is a sticky thought causing me to feel guilt and mistrust of myself – but also when I shy away from this, I notice I am more awkward around the person).
– I trust myself (this is something I worked on a lot at the end of last year after having done a lot of coaching and therapy around trust and self-trust)
– I will push this person away by revealing my true self (actually, the opposite has happened, including them actively coming to see me perform vulnerable music).
– I am too much.

I have put a couple of thoughts into some models which has been really helpful so far:

– T: To allow myself to evolve with this relationship
– F: expansion and growth.
– A: Trusting, risk taking, moving at my own pace
– R: More comfortable being myself around this person.

 

– T: I don’t want to hurt or upset anyone
– F: Anxiety
– A: Avoidance (including my happiness when being around this person), stumbling over my words
– R: Feeling this barrier in my body RSD being heightened again

Any thoughts around ways I can move forwards with this would be really helpful and please do share anything I might not be considering, thank you 🙂

 

 

Answer:

What would you say are the facts of your circumstance? You will usually get the most clarity if you pick a recent, specific event and do a thought download and some models on it.  Figuring out the circumstance is one of the most powerful parts of creating a model, so we don’t want to skip it.

You’re on to something with exploring your self trust. What questions could you ask to find out more about what you’re really afraid of. What questions could you ask to discover who you really want to be?

Expect things to be awkward. This is not a problem.