Navigating the Pain of Conditional Support

Hi Coaches,

I had a big reaction today where I got very angry—at my mother, but also at myself. It felt like I fell right back into my old pattern of self-abandonment and emotional manipulation. I’d love your help processing this and finding a way forward.

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This is what happened:

I received an email from my mother asking me to clarify or confirm the babysitting dates for July, which I had already clearly communicated and she had agreed to. She mentioned only two dates, leaving out the third, and added a deadline:
“Please confirm by today at 4 p.m.”

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I wrote a model to work through it:

C:
I receive a mail from my mother in which she asks me to clarify or confirm the babysitting appointments in July, which I’ve already communicated and she agreed to. She mentions two dates but not the third and adds a deadline: today at 4 p.m.

T:
I’m asking too much.

F:
Pressure, stress, unsupported.

S:
Heart rate goes up, pressure in chest.

A:
• I immediately respond and repeat the same information I’d already given her.
• I prioritize her deadline over my own work commitments.
• I get angry at her for not checking our previous messages but expecting me to repeat myself.
• I try to preempt her disappointment instead of tolerating her discomfort.
• I mentally rehearse possible negative outcomes if I don’t comply.

R:
I abandon my own needs and timeline. I feel small and out of control. I let her behavior define my peace and agency.

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But then I realized something deeper was happening. The belief is still “I’m asking too much,” but the real thought behind it was:
“This is a threat.”

That 4 p.m. deadline was the manipulation tactic. The unspoken message was:
“If you don’t do exactly what I say, exactly when I say it, I’ll revoke my support—and I’ll blame you for it.”

This is a voice I’ve heard my whole life. If I didn’t comply immediately, I’d lose love and support—and it would be my fault. Somehow, despite all the work I’ve done, it still pulls me in. I handled it “graciously” on the outside, but inside I was raging the moment I sent that message almost immediately—just to not lose her support. And then I felt ashamed for falling into the old trap.

The timing struck me too: yesterday was Mother’s Day, and I didn’t call her. So now, it feels like this is her payback. Like she’s telling herself, “She doesn’t deserve my support.”

And I know she doesn’t even really want to do the babysitting. She agreed, but it’s clear she resents me for asking. And now she’s trying to subtly make me feel selfish and guilty for putting my needs first.

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The Deeper Layer of Pain:

I’ve bought tickets to three concerts in July and one in August (which I haven’t even told her about). I know that’s a lot—but I work hard, I’m a single mother, and I never get a night off unless she agrees to help. July is my birthday month, and these concerts are something I’m genuinely looking forward to after years of putting my life on hold.

I’m okay with dropping one if needed—but it breaks my heart that this joy is being clouded by guilt and manipulation. That she still gets to decide if I’m worthy of these small freedoms.

And what hurts even more is this: I have no reliable support. My mother isn’t truly showing up for me, and neither is my closest friend. I’m tired of pretending otherwise.

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I’m proud of myself for this:

I let the anger out. I screamed it out without shame or guilt. Even though I still feel the aftermath of that rage, I know it was pointing me toward my truth.

But the hardest part is knowing I didn’t have time to see that truth. And that’s how she “got me”—because she made sure I didn’t have time. She sent that email at 1 p.m. and set the deadline for 4 p.m. She didn’t even give me space to think.

If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have responded before that deadline. I would have held that boundary.

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The Real Grief:

The hardest thing to admit is that I wish I didn’t need my mother’s support—but when it comes to my son, she’s the only option I have.

She might badmouth me to my son or tell him not to repeat things I shouldn’t hear. But what other choice do I have? Never having a night to myself? Is this really my life?

Coaches, I feel grief. I’ve cried about this deep lack of support. And every time I try to find it, people don’t respect my boundaries with my son.

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These Are the Options I’ve Considered:
• A mother from my daycare offered to babysit for a few hours, but I don’t know her well—and I’ve never even met her husband.
• My babysitter is only 14 years old. I might be able to ask her for two occasions, but she may be away in July.
• My other friend, who I really don’t want to ask—but I will anyway now.
• The friend who already said she can’t help in July—I might ask her for the August concert out of pure desperation.
• An old friend of my mother’s, but she’s quite elderly, and the last time she babysat she admitted it was too much for her.
• One last option is my former babysitter—she has a full-time job now but might do me a favor.

As you can see, these are slim and uncertain options. And July is holiday season, so I’m not hopeful.

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The thought that keeps repeating in my head is:
“I’m unsupported.”

Is that the real problem? Or is it just the truth I don’t want to face?

Warmly,

Answer:

Start with making a decision. Do you want to have your mother babysit when you go to the concerts?

If yes, we start with the work around your relationship with her-specifically with childcare this summer.

If no, you have lots of options. You can start with taking a look at this “I’m unsupported” thought and how it’s affecting you. Although it feels very real and you may have circumstances that do contribute to this situation, telling this story is like wearing a pair of glasses that are blocking you from seeing all the options you do have. You have the power to take them off any time you want. What do you think?