Navigating the Pain of Conditional Support – Part 2

Hi Coaches,

I’d like to share a core realization that’s coming up after my last submission about the situation with my mother and the babysitting arrangements in July. This feels big, and I hope that working through this will help me move forward.

The email from my mother with the “confirm by 4 p.m.” deadline triggered me immensely, and I now see what’s really happening beneath the surface.

This isn’t just about babysitting—it’s about a lifelong dynamic.

My mother has already decided for herself that I’m asking too much. She’s actually said this to me many times throughout my life. And instead of simply setting a boundary and saying, “I can’t do this,” she does what she’s always done:
• She avoids clear communication.
• She lets resentment build.
• And then she blames me for asking in the first place.

This is the same old dynamic I’ve experienced since childhood:
I ask for support → She can’t or won’t give it → But instead of saying “no,” she gets angry and makes me wrong for even asking.

And I’ve realized something powerful: She struggles to set boundaries. And because of that, she expects me to know where her limits are and manage them for her. When I don’t, she concludes that I’m selfish, greedy, and asking too much.

But this isn’t my responsibility. It never was.

I’m asking for what I need. If that’s “too much” for her, she needs to say so clearly. Her inability to set and communicate boundaries doesn’t make my needs wrong. And yet, the child in me still feels the pain of hearing that same old message:
“You’re asking too much. You don’t deserve this. You’re selfish and ungrateful.”

That was the chorus of my childhood, and it’s painful to admit how deeply it’s still playing in my mind.

The truth is, I’m no longer willing to believe those things about myself. But now the new belief I’m grappling with is:
“I’m unsupported.”

And while there’s some truth to that in my current circumstances, I also know it’s not helpful to live from that belief.

So here’s my question:

How do I navigate this dynamic with my mother now that I see it clearly?
• How do I ask for support without taking responsibility for her inability to communicate her boundaries?
• How do I fully separate what is mine to hold and what is hers?
• Is there a way to ask for support without falling back into this painful dynamic—or is the only option to stop asking entirely?

I don’t want to reinforce the belief that I’m unsupported by cutting her off completely. But I also don’t want to keep playing this game where she makes me feel small and guilty simply for expressing my needs.

I’d really appreciate any perspective you have on how I can handle this in a more empowered way.

Thank you for reading and holding space for this.

Warmly,

Answer:

I see some themes emerging here that have to do with how your mom makes you feel. It’s easy to believe that she makes you feel a certain way, but she can’t control your feelings because she can’t control your thoughts, and much of our emotion comes from our own thoughts or beliefs.

Imagine taking 100% responsibility for how you feel when you talk to your mom, what would change for you? What other thoughts might kick ‘I’m unsupported’ a few spaces back from the main stage of your mind?

Maisie has a podcast trio about responsibility – episodes 34, 35, and 36. There is also episode 210 – Overcome Resentment and Take Responsibility for Your Goals.

Keep exploring. Family dynamics can run deep – stay loving towards yourself.