Navigating Weak Ties & Practicing New Identity in Casual Encounters

Hi Coaches,

I’m continuing the thought work from my last Ask a Coach submission, and something deeper has landed for me. I’m becoming increasingly aware of how often I experience nervous system activation when encountering weak ties—people I know casually but am not close with, whether from the past or present.

Here’s what I’m noticing about my habitual patterns:
• I scan the room immediately when I walk in, looking for who’s present and if I know anyone.
• If I see someone, I look away or pretend not to have noticed them.
• I feel pressure to greet them but also want to manage exactly how and when the interaction happens.
• If I do greet them, I’m on edge wondering if they’ll greet me back—or if I’ll feel invisible.
• I often overthink and replay brief interactions afterward, wondering how I came across.

Emotionally, I notice deep discomfort with small talk and casual connections. There’s also a persistent fear of being judged or rejected—even though these are exactly the kinds of interactions that shape community.

Today at the climbing gym, I bumped into a couple I’ve met a few times before. They’re lovely people, but my immediate reaction was to look away, avoid being seen, and brace myself for the awkwardness of small talk. My nervous system went on alert, even though nothing bad was actually happening.

As I reflected later, I realized two things:
1. I’m caught between a longing for connection and a belief that, as a single parent, it’s harder to find or maintain those connections—especially with couples.
2. The real longing might not even be about friendship at all, but about having the kind of secure, trusting partnership I imagine they have.

I also realized that in the past, I would have tried to force connection simply because I liked someone. But the “new me” is asking: I might like them, but is this really the kind of connection and energy I want in my life right now?

And honestly, today, I realized the answer is no. They’re a great weak tie, but I don’t need or want to try and turn every weak tie into a close friendship. The new question I’m sitting with is:

How can I enjoy weak ties for what they are instead of letting them trigger insecurity or pressure to turn them into something more?

I also noticed something big about how I manage my nervous system in these situations. I’ve realized that scanning the room is a key trigger for me. Whether it’s the climbing gym, a conference, or even a restaurant, the moment I start looking around to see who’s there, my nervous system goes straight into hyper-vigilance.

I’ve decided to try something radically different: Don’t scan the room at all. Just walk in, stay with myself, and keep my focus grounded. I’m curious to see if this completely changes the experience.

And here’s a very practical question I’d love feedback on:

When I enter a space and see someone I know (a weak tie), but they haven’t seen me yet, what’s the best way to handle that?

Right now, I find myself looking away and pretending I didn’t see them until they notice me first—which feels really uncomfortable and disempowering. But going straight up and tapping them on the shoulder doesn’t always feel appropriate either.

Is there a healthy middle ground here? How do I stay present and confident without feeling awkward or stuck in waiting mode?

Thank you for your thoughts—I’m excited to keep working on this!

Answer:

Wonderful self-awareness. And wonderful that you’re so excited to work on this!

I see some black and white thinking here (and I do want to acknowledge that you’re looking for where you can comfortably sit in the gray area too). Here are the black and white thoughts I see: pretending I don’t see people, or tapping them on the shoulder, present and confident, or awkward/stuck in waiting mode.

Someone once said to me, ‘What if this is just the part where you feel something yucky?’ Is it okay to acknowledge that seeing someone and not knowing what approach to take feels icky, and it doesn’t mean that you’re not present? What if…what if…identifying that you’re feeling awkward or uncertain means exactly the opposite; in touch, aware, caring for yourself and your nervous system, and still not obliged to engage in an interaction? Remember, life is 50/50. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not so good – it’s okay that this is the not so good feeling 50% of your social interactions and you can learn to navigate them in a way that you feel good about. What’s coming up for you?