Need for Space + Closeness with Partner

Hej there, I’m feeling insecure recently in my marriage.
We are together for 12 years and married this year. With that I want to say, that we have a long lasting relationships which is been throught highs and lows.

My partner has been sick the last two weeks and I have been extra busy being fully in the flow with my coaching business, putting myself out there and grabbing all oportunities to network, give workshops etc.

That lead to us not seeing each other too much recently.

we sleep separatley at the moment so I don’t get infected. He is better now, but actually I feel he has just been very grumpy for the last weeks. a big part goes for the sickness which sucks of course. But I feel a bit annoyed by it, because I feel his vibe is bringing me down and I also want him to look more on the bright side and not be all grumpy all the time.

I also feel that I don’t have enought space in our flat, where I can just be in my own zone (I’m just coming out of my menstrual winter) and at the same time I kind of miss him, his good vibes and being close to each other.

I made several attempts to find out what’s going on with him, besides being annoyed about being sick and our communication has been super bumpy and exhausting for me, cause he always says I don’t know what you mean and so on.

So to me it seems he might be annoyed by my absence, or he is a bit depressed but not realising it and I find myself insecure around him, feeling rejected/not wanted, being annoyed, not wanting him like this – feeling turned off…

and in the end I think underlying are thoughts like: he should invest more in our relationship, he is bad in letting me be there for him – like having difficulties receiving which takes away my possibility to give care to him. and I don’t even dare to ask him about it or anything else anymore because I feel he is just gonna be grumpy, one-wordy and that is just not fun. so I end up feeling disconnected, unwanted, frustrated and insecure. Even though there is a part of me that knows, my gut is right with these kind of things. But I’m walking on eggshells around him. And that feels like it’s dragging away some part of my very own lightness and joy I experience at the moment and cant share with him.

So, this is my share and I basically don’t know what to do next or how to get out of that situation. So any hint, questions I can ask myself or him are more than welcome. 🙂
Thank you and sending love!

 

 

Answer:

Sending love back to you! The main painful part of your story that we can see is that you think your partner should be different than he is right now so that you can feel better. The more you try to make him change so you can feel connected, the more disconnected you feel. In a model it looks like this:

C: I asked husband “what’s going on for you” (you can fill in the words you said) and he responded ” I don’t know what you mean.”

T: he should invest more in our relationship

F: insecure

A: ask him more questions, walk on eggshells, blame the flat, try to diagnose his problem, give him power over my good vibes, worry about our relationship, don’t talk to him openly, label him grumpy,

R: I am totally invested in him being the problem.

What if there are just parts in a relationship when one person is sick and the other one is busy and things feel a little bumpy and it doesn’t mean anything about how much you care about one another?

What if this is just part of the 50% of the time when your vibes feel not so good?

If you were to create an intentional model of what you truly want, what would it look like? How do you want to feel? What result do you want? What kind of partner do you want to be? You get to decide what you think about your connection to your husband.

See what comes up as you explore this, we’re here if you want to bring back your models or ask any questions.