Negative energy at work

Hello, I would love some feedback on how to deal with negative energy and/or jealousy at work. I have one colleague in particular who behaves passive aggressively towards me. For example, we went on a train journey together and the whole time she made passive aggressive remarks (not only concerning my work but everything else). I think it’s because she perceives me as something (maybe more successful, more priviliged) and has her own stuff going on. I just politely ignored her remarks, but with hindsight they made me very angry. In addition, she assigns work tasks to me (although she is not my boss) and always asks me what my current tasks are. When I experienced similar situations in the past, I either sabotaged myself / made myself small in order to be liked by that person or completely withdrew. However, I want to deal with it differently this time. I think a more healthy approach for me would be to feel the anger and not let that person dictate my behavior. I want to be friendly and cooperative (in my view I’ve helped her a lot in the past) AND be able to focus on my work in a joyful way. I’ve tried to create unintentional and intentional models around this and would appreciate your feedback.

Unintentional model 1
C: that person’s behavior
T: her behavior means something about me and if I’m not liked by everyone I’m a terrible person
F: anxious
F: distracted
A: making myself small in order to be liked by her
A: doing everything she asks me to do although it’s not by job
A: not standing up for myself
A: constantly justifying myself
R: resentment
R: not reaching my goals
R: lack of joy

Intentional model 1
C: that person’s behavior
T: it’s my responsibility to take care of my goals and feelings while being friendly and cooperative
F: calm
A: focusing on my work
A: setting boundaries
A: being friendly and cooperative
A: standing up for myself
R: getting my work done in a joyful way
R: contributing to a pleasant + focused atmosphere at work

Unintentional model 2
C: that person
T: she’s annoying
F: annoyed
F: angry
F: distracted
A: avoiding her
A: automatically rejecting everything she says
R: anger
R: not reaching my goals
R: lack of joy

Intentional model 2
C: that person
T: I decide how I engage and collaborate with her (being friendly and cooperative while setting boundaries)
F: calm
F: relaxed
A: doing my job in a joyful way
R: reaching my goals

Thank you!

 

Answer:

Our brain looks for what we tell it to look for. In your case, you’ve got a pair of glasses on that see this person and everything they do as passive-agressive. When you do your models, it’s really important to put the facts of what happened. Simply the truth. Like C: person said “these words.”   As soon as you can see that you’re choosing to wear these glasses and you can take them off any time you will have your power back.

As long as you see what she is doing (and who she is) as negative, your intentional models won’t stick. An example of this that I use a lot is if you’ve watched the American version of The Office. Michael hates Toby and it doesn’t matter what Toby does, just his existence bothers Michael because he wears glasses called “Toby is the worst.”

Get curious and play with observing her behaviour like a neutral scientist. Stay right in the C line and observe until it even seems possible to believe that she’s just a human you work with who does things.