Negative Energy at Work Pt. II

Thank you for your answer. It really made me think and I will observe my colleague like a neutral scientist (I actually work in academia :-). I am curious how the intentional model continues if my action line is: my colleague said “these words”. For example, a few weeks ago my colleague asked me out of the blue “what are your current work tasks? have you talked about them with our boss?”. I was perplex in that situation and answered her question. However, with hindsight I perceived these questions as intrusive and passive-aggressive (implying I’m not doing enough). And I don’t have to report to her.

Unintentional model
C: my colleague asked “what are your current work tasks? have you talked about them with our boss?”
T: that’s very intrusive and passive-aggressive
F: angry
F: annoyed
A: avoiding her in the future
A: being annoyed by her
A: expecting passive-aggressive comments
R: unpleasant work atmosphere
R: resentment

Intentional model
C: my colleague asked “what are your current work tasks? have you talked about them with our boss?”
T: she asked a question and I decide how to respond to it
F: calm
F: grounded
A: in that situation, I could ask her why it’s important for her to know
R: engaging in a constructive dialogue

Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

The part where you’re making her words mean she thinks you’re not doing enough is somewhere to explore. It’s prompting an emotional reaction. Is there a part of you that believes you’re not doing enough? Do a thought download about why it bothers you to have someone ask about your tasks.

Now think about all the reasons she may ask these questions. Write them down. Be open and curious. For example it might just be office small talk, or she might be spying on you for the boss. Anything that comes to mind just write it down.  Look at your list and see what you feel as you look at each reason.

These meanings you are giving to the motivation behind her questions and comments are the problem, not the actual words. You don’t need to question her motivation. Her answer won’t satisfy you if you still don’t trust her. If you want to feel calm and grounded, you need to decide for yourself what you want to think and feel about her and then practice it over and over. Giving love and compassion to other humans is a gift you give yourself so you don’t have to feel annoyed at work.