Nervous system activation / thought spiral after text from boss

I have noticed that I get activated when I get texts from my boss.

C: I get a text from my boss that says ‘can we talk when you have a minute’
T: I have done something wrong.
F: anxious
A: ruminate, search my brain for what it could be that I’ve done wrong, heart races, not focus
R: I stay in fight/flight

I think I have an idea where this model originated, because come to think of it, it kept popping up a lot in my last job. And even though I never really had reason to be afraid to have missed anything or done something wrong because I knew I was doing a good job, I still felt controlled and my first reaction was to look for any mistake I must have done. My boss in my old job gave off serious control-freak vibes, and I would characterize the general work environment as being dominated by an atmosphere of stress, overwork, pressure, control—especially for someone like me who is sensitive to these kinds of vibes. My brain would frantically scan everything that could be the reason for their request to talk, review everything I had worked on in lightening speed trying to find flaws in my work and where I could have screwed up.

I have since changed jobs and am working in a much more compassionate environment where I feel really safe. However, I still get activated when getting texts from my new boss. What I have noticed, however, is that I don’t get activated in face-to-face situations when she asks me to talk. It’s only when she texts me.

When this happened the other day, I was able to catch my thought and approach it with curiosity. I was able to step back and ask, ‘Huh, I wonder why you keep popping up?’ This helped me to regulate and stop a thought spiral.

What I’m curious about is how to work towards a more regulated reaction to receiving these kinds of texts.

 

 

Answer:

It sounds pretty understandable why you have a nervous system response to these texts. Keep approaching it with curiosity and compassion. Your brain is jumping to a possible worst case scenario but it isn’t clearly identified. Identify it. What are you really scared of?  What is the worst thing that can happen? Let your brain go to that terrible place. Write it down and really get into detail of what you’re afraid of.

Once you’ve done that, you get to see what’s actually happening. We take what’s dark and bring it to light and study it.  Whatever your worst case scenario is, identify the feeling you are afraid of. We think we’re afraid of being reprimanded by our boss or being fired, but really we are afraid of what that will feel like.

When you see that the worst thing that can happen is an uncomfortable emotion, you can start to show your brain that you can handle it. It doesn’t need to protect you by reacting. See what comes up and bring any questions or models back for more coaching.