My dad is a lovely man, smart, kind, gentle, loves cheese and he loves his wife, his life in the countryside as well as his job: my mum and my dad worked together before retirement together on a farm. This collaboration lasted for more than 20 years. The tasks would be divided, yet my mum would need to micro-manage and double-check what my dad should have done because he would not have seen certain important things: an animal ill, a leaking water bucket… If my mum would not notice this, the farm would suffer a large loss. This checks were daily for 20 years.
Also my dad would have cyclically a focus interest and he would forget the rest of the world, literally. On top of forgetting, he would be unable to move a inch of motivation to get the things done that are essential for the farm to be working. These attention cycles would also turn in time towards a deep love for my mum (which was beautiful to see) and sometime a deep attention to a type a vegetation, or a new major project. My dad was never diagnosed by a specialist, yet he recognizes himself in this. My mum would need to create big, major tensions/fights – that I still remember – to “shake him awake”: my parents almost separated several times, with my mum saying: I am leaving, I can’t bear it anymore. I need you present in my life.Since they are retired now, the tensions lowered between them, less tired, more freedom, less pressure.
In the past my mum would share her issues with my dad with me. I would not know how to put boundaries as she was lonely on the countryside (other topic – work in progress) without trustworthy friends. These confidences made me a good listener and observer, in the same time they shaped the image I formed of my dad. I am slowly rebuilding my own image of my dad, instead of my mum’s stories. We – humans – tend to feel the need to confide in someone, when there is an issue, rarely when we are happy. If we do, it is only in one sentence. This means I don’t have a full image of my dad through my mum’s stories and confidences.
During my childhood, my dad was barely home and present to “do the education”. My mum did most of the work in that sense (also at home). I always felt he didn’t know how to behave or how to solve our issues, so i stopped going to him for advices, but rather to get something from his, as he was less strict than my mum, hihi. In the past years, I feel a need and desire to reconnect and share more with both of my parents, especially with my dad. I am trying hard, and he is too, yet with some cute mis-steps. But how to do this while protecting my expectations? Do I need to protect my expectations?
Would you have advices how to reform a relationship with my dad while knowing that
1. sometimes he will simply forget something important to me ?
2. He might focus on something not important to me
3. he might not realise he is hurting me?
It all leads to acceptance of who my dad is as a person and accept that I might get hurt – these steps are however difficult to take for me.
Looking forward to read your coaching
Answer:
Our emotions come from our thoughts. No one can hurt us. Accepting your Dad for exactly who he is will actually bring relief from suffering. Any time we fight reality, we lose. Your Dad is just a human being doing his best. Sometimes that means he shows up in ways you don’t like. He doesn’t need to change for you to feel better. All you need to do is stop wishing he was different. You have the power to adjust your expectations. This is the core of learning unconditional love. Love is the best feeling to feel. You can allow more of it any time you choose. What a gift the Universe has given you. How is your relationship with your father the best classroom to develop unconditional love in yourself?
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