New demanding job versus time with my dying Mum

Hi there
So I work as a gardener self employed but for a company. They are lovely people, really encouraging and very human. I can decide when I work and they book stuff in for me which has been amazing especially having long covid for 8 weeks last August and my Mum getting diagnosed with terminal cancer in September has meant my time is very flexible.

After 6 months of scans and treatments mum is stable for now but her tumor will come back quickly at some point in the next 6-9months.
I was going home to see her every 2 weeks minimum as I am dad’s best friend and I didn’t want to regret not spending time with her. This month I haven’t seen her at all as my sister said “you’ve got to look after yourself too” and I feel exhausted and emotional every time I come back from seeing her which can last for a few days. She is deaf so I can’t speak to her on the phone, only video call, which I haven’t had much time for. I miss her now.

Living in abundance and rooting for her gardening career led a friend to recommend me to go for an interview as a head gardener, which is quite a career jump for me but I have all the relevant experience except working for a long period in estate gardens (I have done it for a short time). It sent me into a sympathetic flight spiral for 10 days between arranging the interview and going and I couldn’t get any perspective on my life.

I went to the interview 3 days ago and I have been exhausted since, except today when I took the morning off work and have connected with friends and facetimed Mum (which has left me feeling slightly activated and a bit helpless, but I noticed her joy at several points which was nice).

Basically I am toying with taking this job because it will be really good for my knowledge and skills and I will get the opportunity to do some stuff I don’t currently do.
I’m worried about needing more energy than I have to do it. I work 4 days most weeks at the moment because gardening 5 days is pretty tiring and I get enough money from 4 days, and that means I have a really nice work/life balance
I can go see Mum and work on other projects like community projects, as I would really like to improve diversity in gardening careers especially for bipoc people, I also want to help as many people as possible interact with plants and nature.

At the moment the employer is not 100% on me so I feel I have to offer 5 days a week. From what he has said there won’t be much allowance for compassionate leave but I haven’t told him about Mum.

My core value is joy and I might find this new job too stressful to access joy and it might get in the way of accessing the joy I want to with my family, partner and extracurricular activities. But I feel with tools I can access so much joy in it and it could actually energise me.

I have been applying for community gardening and therapeutic gardening jobs which is what I thought I wanted and got 4 interviews and I just need a bit more experience to get there – hence the current 4 days week, but it’s not a pay jump like this job could give me which might help me and my partner get a mortgage etc. So we have a house to have a baby in. Also this job would give me status and power in the gardening world which could also be channeled towards increasing diversity in gardening/access to gardens and green spaces.

I can’t seem to extract stuff to work through from the interwoven aspects of my life and thought I would see if you had any insights to help me get more specific.
Thanks

 

Answer:

Let’s take a look at what you said about each option.

Stay in current position: lovely employers, flexible schedule, I have earn enough money, I have good energy, see Mum when I want, do community gardening.

Head gardener: Improve knowledge and skills, opportunity to do things that I don’t do now, 5 days/week, not much compassionate leave, greater pay for possible mortgage, status and power in gardening world, possible access to help community gardening efforts.

When you look at these options, how do you feel with each one? Why do those feelings come up?

Our feelings drive our desires, so that is why that answer is important. Why those feelings come up help you understand the thoughts creating them. Once you know the thoughts, then you can see how they are and are not true.

More importantly, it shows that it is the thoughts that create those feelings and not the job. When you mention feeling joy or energized, it is not the job that creates those things. It is created by the thoughts that you have about a job. That does not mean that you have to create joy from a situation you don’t like. What it means is that you have the power to decide what is joyful. You are not at the mercy of a job.

What will you believe is the most joyful?