New job title, old thought errors!

Hi AAC,

I’ve just rejoined the membership, and I’m so happy to be back and get stuck in. 🙂

I’ve been with a new company for about 5 months, and things have been going fairly well despite some personal challenges around lack of sleep / sick children etc. I have been feeling like I’ve been doing quite well and mostly felt supported and like I’m contributing and doing my job well.

However, challenges with confidence pop up and although they have been present throughout, they’ve really ramped up. I am in the summer of my cycle so I am really keen to get myself into a better headspace before winter approaches and make sure I am resilient enough to get myself through that week of my cycle without blowing things up. Additionally, I am just feeling a lot of anxiety and discomfort psychologically.

For context, other designers have joined the organisation after me, and this has definitely triggered some anxieties / comparisons. We also have more work than is possible to complete, as we’re going through a time of growth. My title changed from ‘senior’ to ‘lead’ and although I was really happy with this (it was a structural thing and affected other titles too) for career progression, I feel it has highlighted that I am ‘leading’ and led to lots of comparison and some common thoughts that I have. Here is my thought download followed by two routes of unconscious thoughts:

I’m not good enough
I don’t know how to lead
Everyone thinks I am shit
Everyone can tell I don’t know what I’m doing
Everyone thinks I am slow
I’m not productive enough
People are questioning my abilities
I’m difficult to work with
People think my colleague should lead

C: I am brand design lead
T: I’m difficult to work with
F: Defensive – where does this come from – fear?
S: Discomfort in my belly
A: Gritting teeth, ruminating over each interaction, speaking in a low voice, avoiding collaboration.
R: I’m make work difficult for myself

C: I am brand design lead
T: Everyone thinks I am slow
F: Fear
S: Nausea
A: Gritting teeth, ruminating over everything I have to do, unable to focus on the task at hand, distracted, ruminating on instances in life I am slow, observing others who I perceive to be ‘fast/efficient’
R: I slow myself down / I am unproductive

I haven’t done a ‘conscious’ version (I can’t remember what we call it when we change our thought to one we want 🙂 as I really want to dig into these thought errors I have and understand where they are coming from and how they are affecting me. I am also not sure how to reframe this impression I have that I am slow. Am I slow? What if I am? Is it okay for a creative to be slow? What does it mean in a corporate sense and how do I accept it (if I want to?)? I also find myself comparing myself to men, feeling that it is men who are fast around me, and I am slow. Like something is wrong with my brain. Should probably add these thoughts to my thought download! Thank you!

Answer:

Welcome back! Congrats on the new job and the new title. It’s so interesting to see what it has brought up for you, as well as having more people coming onto the team. Why does it make total sense that your brain might be throwing a bit of a tantrum right now? Explore with compassion. Take a mental step back and observe yourself like you are a scientist studying you. Check in with your nervous system…where might it think there is danger at work?

Your unintentional models are well done. The other type is Intentional models. One thing I notice is that your result could also be R: I prove my thought true.  It’s the classic self fulfilling prophecy that the model highlights so well. Notice how much judgement you have of yourself. Even your title to this question suggests that you’re not doing things correctly. Is this a pattern for you?

As you continue exploring, be kind to yourself. Nothing is going wrong. being a human with a new job and people to lead can bring up all kinds of things. What a great opportunity to love yourself in this transition period.

Before you go to intentional models, try some models that are even more specific. Look for circumstances that happen, big or small where you feel uncomfortable. Bring back what you find for more coaching.