New job title part 2

Wow, thank you for the insightful coaching in my previous post.

I will answer this questions first: Why does it make total sense that your brain is throwing a bit of a tantrum right now? Explore with compassion. Take a mental step back and observe yourself like you are a scientist studying you. Check in with your nervous system…where might it think there is danger at work?

Interesting. Where might my brain think there is danger at work. This is such an interesting way to approach things. Yes my body really does react to danger at work. Let’s think about how I feel sometimes. I feel like I am surrounded by strangers. Not all strangers for sure, but even the people I know, our relationship is fairly light touch – there are just a few people I feel comfortable with, and that is more due to their nature than time spent. I get the feeling from these people that they are not ‘playing a game’ at work, but I feel they arrive as their authentic selves. I don’t like it when I feel people have an agenda, or are not being fully upfront with me. So, the danger for me is, people behind closed doors. People’s words. Words about me or others. Words I can’t control. And when I feel like I am put in a spot where I have to go behind other’s backs, I hate it twofold (this is something that happened this week). Firstly, I consider being talked about behind my back as one of the worst things that can happen (due to terrible past experiences at school, not being able to distance myself etc). Trauma basically. But also, I worry that if I go behind someone’s back, even if not intentional, they will then think I have betrayed them and I will be implemented in backstabbing etc. my nightmare.

Is it a pattern for me to think I do things incorrectly?

UM. Yes! Let’s think of some examples. Parenting. Sleeping. Caffeine intake. Work interactions. Design in general. The pattern my life has taken. Taking care of my body. Basically, a little bit of everything.

I think I have this view of myself as part of the wider human population. I can connect this thought of being shit/bad/messy to certain moments in my life. Things my dad (I think) said to me – that I was too messy, not logical enough and made bad decisions/spilt milk/electrocuted myself. At least this is the impression of myself I have carried into adulthood.

This was then further cemented in school when I made the decision (when drunk) to take an action that was viewed as ‘bad/unethical’. There is so much here around my perception of what others think of me. I would really really like to work on unpicking this perception I have, seeing myself as bad and always having to PROVE I am not. And, sometimes, when I am fed up of proving it, taking an action that confirms my suspicions that I am bad, and that others (who are these others?) are right.

Ways I have over the years aimed to prove I am not bad
Veganism
People-pleasing
Behaving like a martyr
Putting others’ needs ahead of my own
Selling myself short at work (I am not egoistic)
Always having to affirm someone else / not criticise
Offering out praise for everything

Here is a model from this week, based on the thought ‘I am a bad person’ which I think is a core thought that informs a lot of what goes on for me, as explained above. The circumstance involved being told some information relating to a colleague I highly respect that had a negative outcome for them, and it felt really icky to have this information and be asked to take some action in relation to this. I have tried to make the circumstance factual, despite the situation being emotionally loaded.

C: A shares some information with me and asks for help.
T: I’m a bad person.
F: shame
S: accelerated breathing
A: hyper focus on the feelings of the person I am with, suppressing or ignoring my own needs, reacting quickly to a request for action or opinion without consideration, not giving myself time to consider, not valuing my own position.
R: I confirm my thoughts.

C: A shares some information with me and ask for help.
T: I am a trustworthy colleague.
F: curious
S: relaxed shoulders
A: Listen patiently, don’t react instantly, take time to consider what has been said, communicate that I need this time, value my own needs based on the shared information, be aware of reactions in my body in response to what is shared.
R: I trust myself.

Answer:

Nice models! Notice what comes up for you when you look at these. What do you learn about yourself from the UM? What do you have to be curious about when it comes to leaning into or accessing your IM?

What I am seeing here is that this is your normal, unchecked response to being in a new social situation, and your brain’s default when it comes to how to think about yourself. Great job investigating. This is just your brain’s shitty first draft.

Knowing that, can you extend yourself some compassion, some understanding, and the kind of love that says, ‘Of course you responded and are feeling this way. It’s how you’ve kept yourself safe, and what you’ve practiced for a long time’? Why or why not?