New way of doing friendship

Hi,
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship recently. In the last few years I’ve changed many parts of my life, including work, and relationships with family – and reframed them from a more powerful perspective and foundation. But I’m not sure I’ve managed to find this new footing with friendship yet.
I used to want and pride myself on having loads of friends, and found a perhaps false sense of security in having lots of people in my life, feeling maybe validated from this and being liked.
I know this has it’s roots in a difficult experience around my coming out, where unrequited feelings for a friend led to me losing a whole friendship group, in my early 20s. So after that it was like I thought that having more and more would protect me from such a loss again. And maybe made me feel better about that loss? The rejection and shame etc being counted by popularity, being liked, feeling validated etc.
So I feel a lot of compassion with myself for why this approach felt safe for me. But it is no longer serving me. I am feeling much more of a craving for a less is more approach. To spend time with a close, smaller number of friends – more one on one stuff, being able to have a genuine support system.
Since going freelance last year, I’ve been struggling in bigger group dyanmics, especially with people i don’t know well. I find it hard when people ask about my work, when I’m feeling stressed about it and using up so much of my ‘putting myself out there’ energy on work, with not much left to give socialising.
I also have less time to socialise now i’m freelance, as am much more conscious about the ‘cost’ of socialising, in terms of time, money, even hangovers, and energy drain etc.
But equally, i’ve noticed that i retreated in stress especially earlier this year, and it wasn’t good for me not to see friends. It is also true that seeing my close friends can refill my energy and be supportive, in an enriching way. And with them I can also suggest low key activieis that don’t involve spending lots and drinking. Plus, i recognise that having fun and letting my hair down can be powerful in itself! As sometimes it’s exactly what you need to step away from work.
Anyway, I think if I was going to have an ideal way of doing friendship right now it would look like:
– Seeing a closer and smaller number of people (I have 5 people in mind), ideally someone once a week, for a lowkey thing locally like a drink or dinner at someone’s house = for more regular catchups
– Taking responsibility for myself for reaching out and asking for help when I need it, saying I’m stressed – because I struggle with feeling like a burden for this.. = in other ways, like over message, voice note or phone call.
– Going to the odd group or meeting new people thing which is more out of my comfort zone when I have the capacity.
– And also looking for ways to have fun with friends, and it not just be about supporting each other with serious stuff?

I’m not sure what is stopping me?! But i think it requires some vulnerability to admit to people that I’ve been struggling, and also to suggest the things. A factor that feeds into this is that many of my friends are in longterm relationships but I am single, and sometimes feel like I’m less ‘needed’?? That i need them more than they need me and it is an unequal power dynamic?

Do you have any thoughts about how I can press play on this?
Many thanks

 

Answer:

What does pressing play on this mean to you? If you were to be spending time with one close friend a week, what would you be doing to make that happen? What wouldn’t you be doing? How would you feel, or have to feel to be able to do those things? What are some thoughts that cultivate that feeling for you?