Not attending my mother’s birthday party

Hi coaches

My mother’s birthday is coming up in June, and I’m standing at the edge of what feels like massive action: not attending at all.

This is about stepping into the version of me who no longer sacrifices her emotional well-being to uphold appearances or meet expectations. The version of me who protects her energy and honors her limits—without guilt.

Choosing not to attend would be a powerful act of self-protection. And yet, I notice how much this decision stirs up old beliefs and feelings:
• I’m a bad daughter if I don’t show up.
• I’m selfish and ungrateful.
• I owe her.
• And underneath all of this, there’s a lingering sense of guilt and even pity—feeling sorry for her that I can’t love or support her in the way a daughter “should.” It’s as if I’ve always felt responsible for filling the emotional gaps she left in our relationship. I see now that this is classic people-pleasing.

I don’t have a clear question, but I notice that even though I’ve almost made the decision, part of me still feels that old pull for outside validation and permission—perhaps just to believe fully that it’s okay to take this stand.

Thank you for holding space for this.

Warmly,

Answer:

Thank you for sharing it.  You get to do whatever you want, for whatever reason you want. It can be uncomfortable. Choose the uncomfortable that helps you become the person you want to be. Listen to yourself.

I want to gently point out one thing. When you are a child, you do what you need to to survive and navigate the situation you are given. That’s not people pleasing. That’s not a flaw you need to fix. What does younger you need to hear right now in relation to this birthday?