Not being listened to

I’m currently trying to work with my nervous system and something that has previously shown up for me before joining the Flow Collective is showing up for me on a daily basis now.

I get very dysregulated and sometimes angry when I make a request of someone or state my needs in a situation and feel like I’m not listened to. I’m not very good at stating my needs (I’m trying to get better) so when I do and they’re not taken seriously I feel like I’m invisible. My anger is usually internalised so no one usually gets the brunt of this – just myself!

Examples of this include repeatedly asking my partner for more help around the house doing chores etc but no help is given. It sounds ridiculous but if I’m on a dog walk and my dog wanders off and I have to repeatedly call her back to me and she doesn’t come (she has good recall!) it really dysregulates me. I get angry and I feel like it’s completely unnecessary – bearing in mind this probably happens on a daily basis!

I discussed this with a psychotherapist a long time ago as I’ve always blamed myself for not being listened to/heard – thinking perhaps I wasn’t expressing myself correctly and it’s somehow my fault.

I suppose here the start of the model would be:
C: I request something/state my needs and these aren’t carried out
T: I’m not being listened to
F: Angry

I want to change my thoughts about ‘not being listened to’ but I’m struggling to find a new one. It would also be great to go and walk my dog without getting completely dysregulated when she doesn’t come back when I call her! Would you have any suggestions around how I might change my thoughts?

 

Answer:

The fact of the matter is that people aren’t obligated to meet our needs whether we ask them to or tell them what our needs are. And that sometimes feels really shitty. BUT, it also gives us the opportunity to examine our expectations of them and of ourselves.
When your needs aren’t met, how do you think you should feel? Why is it a problem to feel angry when you think, “I’m not being listened to.”? What if it’s alright that you get angry after stating your needs and making requests and the person to whom you’ve expressed that doesn’t rise to the call?
What if this is just the part where you feel angry, and that’s okay? What might processing your anger allow space for within you? Bring back what comes up for you when you consider this in part two of this submission.