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Not interested in sex

I have a pattern where I lose interest in sex after a few months (3 max) with a new partner. My current partner of 5 years is great, and the one I want to grow old with. He’s generally very supportive and understanding, and this is the one issue we argue about every few months. We did couples relationship and sex counselling for a few months which I found a total waste of time as it looked at techniques more than what was going on in my mind.
I’ve never had great sex with a partner (but I’m fine solo), but I would like to have a sex life with my current partner because I feel like I’m missing out, and also because I think it’s unfair on him if we didn’t have any, or as it is now, only a few times a year.
I rarely think about sex and very rarely feel spontaneous desire, which I know is normal. When my partner indicates he wants sex I often panic as I worry that it will lead to a bust-up as that has often happened previously. I often feel like even if I was up for a little bit, I just cannot be arsed going though a full sex session (which for me usually means he comes, and I may or may not) as it seems too much effort for too little gain. But it also seems like if I do engage, I commit to a ‘full’ session. I know I can stop anytime, but it just seems mean to stop when he hasn’t yet finished, because I’m tired or getting distracted.
He knows all that and we do talk about sex and what we like and how we feel openly. But talking about it hasn’t changed our sex life, so I would love some feedback on my models – thank you!
UMs
Self-judgement is a favourite of mine:
C: sex
T: I should be horny
F: inadequate
A: distance myself from him
A: sit on the sofa, don’t socialise, doom-scroll
A: don’t get up to much
A: don’t do things I enjoy
A: feeling depressed
A: talk shit about myself, entering a judgy spiral of doom
R: I’m not horny
C: sex
T: I’m failing him
F: defensive
A: activated nervous system (fight)
A: point out that he didn’t try in the right way
A: tell him he *always* approaches me at a terrible time (pre-menstrual, late in the evening etc)
A: consider getting solo counselling even though I don’t think it’ll help
A: question myself if something is wrong with me
A: disconnect
R: I’m failing the relationship
C: sex
T: I’m failing him
F: guilty / fearful
A: activated nervous system (flight / appease)
A: shrink
A: disconnect
A: worry about the relationship
A: try and make up for it with cuddles
A: research sex issues, i.e. podcasts etc. (buffering really)
A: having unhelpful thoughts about sex and not feeling horny
R: I’m failing the relationship
This model comes up sometimes but I often catch it quickly and dismiss it as nonsense, but maybe I believe it more than I think?
C: sex
T: I don’t love him right
F: fear / guilt / doubt
A: try and brush off the thought
A: look for examples of other people who don’t always love their partner deeply and passionately (buffering?)
A: list evidence that I do love him right
R: ?
IM
I’m sometimes in this model, so maybe I’m on the right track?
C: sex
T: Sex is for me
F: interested
A: masturbate
A: listen to sex podcasts
A: practise intentional thoughts
A: focus on sensations
R: Sex is for me (???)

 

Answer:

Overall, your models look very sound. Let’s quickly touch on the one UM that you had questions about and your IM. Try doing this model for each of the different feelings and see whether your A lines differ in each one. It seems like your A lines like “brushing off the thought” and “listing evidence that you do love him right” actually come from very different models (in fact, I’d guess that brushing off the thought actually comes from a judgment about the fact that you find yourself in this model at all…though I’m totally willing to be wrong!). What do you notice when you model this out for each feeling? Does your R become more clear? Next, your IM R line might be, ‘I have sex for me.’ because that’s exactly what you’re doing! How does this land?
My next question is actually quite a simple one. I’d like you to answer the question, ‘Why?’ to each thought you have listed here. What do you discover in your answers? Feel free to ask and answer this as many times as you need to continue peeling back layers and come back with what you discover about your models  in a submission titled ‘Not interested in sex pt. 2’.