Not wanting to celebrate 2

Why? Why don’t you want to celebrate things that aren’t difficult for most people? Fear of judgment. I see how I am judging myself from the negative perceptions that people had of me in the past. I have adopted a negative perception of myself and what I should be able to accomplish. This isn’t all of the time but I think it’s in the back of my mind from old wounds.
That ties into not wanting to take up space or be noticed. I’m not realizing that this is a safe space and that I don’t have to be afraid of the judgment. But at the same time, the judgment is coming from me. I am not valuing the effort that I put into doing things or just being me. There are a lot of shoulds and an ablist mindset.
The irritation and anger is showing up as a toddler with a pouting face and arms crossed around the body. I’m shutting down to remain small and protect my vulnerability.
I don’t know what I want my relationship to be with celebrating on the wins thread but I’d like to get to know it a little better…. initially the questions, “why celebrate” or “is this worth celebrating” come to mind. I’m looking for a sensation or something that tells me that THIS is a win.
An example from today. I was by the zoo and realized how long I had wanted to buy a membership pass for the zoo and aquarium, and that I finally did it last year. I was able to spend time around animals and nature when I had downtime at work and get grounded. I think that would have been something to celebrate but I didn’t really give it much attention because I just did the thing. My thoughts were “that wasn’t a big deal” and “yeah I did that finally” but what it feels like is “took ya long enough!”
I would like to have spent more time in the moment, acknowledging how difficult it really was to just do the thing, and why it was so important to me. I don’t know how I could have spent more time in the moment but if I had to guess I would say it would have been helpful to be writing things down. Perhaps a list of how I was showing up for myself for the week. Honestly I don’t think I had that insight then.

 

 

Answer:

In coaching we don’t dig a lot into the past but it can be helpful to answer a few questions to understand where your fear of judgement is coming from. Without thinking too hard, editing or judging yourself, answer this question:  Who told you

-you take up too much space

-you shouldn’t want to be noticed

-you live your life too loud

-you’re too loud and too colourful

-you’re obnoxious

Do you remember a time where you were young and someone said these things to you (out loud or in other ways)? See yourself at that age. If you have a picture, get it out. Now, what do you want to say to little you? What did you need to hear that you didn’t hear? Give yourself so much love and compassion.  You are just how you’re supposed to be. There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to be fixed. This is such good work to do.